2020 has been my year so far, and I’m not wasting a moment.
Yes, I know we’ve been hanging out non-stop and I did take you on that getaway to Paris, and we did share a passionate embrace on the Eiffel Tower–but that doesn’t mean we’re “dating” per se.
Never again get stuck on the pot with these mental travel destinations for any time you forget your phone on the charger.
One call you won’t hear on our cutting-edge network is the sound of us suddenly ordering your death.
Do you have a reservation? Oh, you don’t?
As Mayor Vaughn said: “Amity means friendship.” I am a friend to all Amity’s sea creatures.
Sales tax holiday weekend came, and now we’re staring down a God damn Everest of tampons stockpiled in our living rooms.
We know you have questions. The short answer is “trickle-down economics.”
“I just find it so moving that she’d make such a major life change as a new short haircut and not post about it. Maybe she should be a life coach or something?”
Come on, I just need you to play the jingle and then I can die!