The Narrator In “Santa Baby” Reflects On Why She Got Coal This Christmas

Admittedly a single woman probably doesn’t need her own yacht; I ought to have asked to charter someone else’s vessel instead.

I Am The Peach Emoji, and I Am Now A Symbol of Political Resistance, Not A Butt

I know how I would like to be remembered, and it’s for more than my sex appeal. It’s as a symbol of political resistance, not a butt.

Mark yourself a Maybe. You don’t want to come off as desperate.

Michael Buble, Wham, and that Josh Groban asshole can all suck it. I am ride or die for Mariah Motherfucking Carey.

I am there for all of your meltdowns, but will you be there for mine?

She’ll never notice! Probably.

This bike, like my life, is a glistening, upper-middle-class prison.

Suddenly we are “old” and “embarrassing” and “exploiting the indigenous people of Ecuador.”

This ONE WEIRD TRICK Kept Me A Virgin Until Age 25

(Just to be clear, the “D” in question is in the cursive Disney font. You know the one.)

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