Category: Satire

The Narrator In “Santa Baby” Reflects On Why She Got Coal This Christmas

Admittedly a single woman probably doesn’t need her own yacht; I ought to have asked to charter someone else’s vessel instead.

I know how I would like to be remembered, and it’s for more than my sex appeal. It’s as a symbol of political resistance, not a butt.

Mark yourself a Maybe. You don’t want to come off as desperate.

Michael Buble, Wham, and that Josh Groban asshole can all suck it. I am ride or die for Mariah Motherfucking Carey.

I am there for all of your meltdowns, but will you be there for mine?

She’ll never notice! Probably.

This bike, like my life, is a glistening, upper-middle-class prison.

Suddenly we are “old” and “embarrassing” and “exploiting the indigenous people of Ecuador.”

(Just to be clear, the “D” in question is in the cursive Disney font. You know the one.)

Since I just coughed twice, does that mean I have strep or swine flu or tuberculosis?

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