Identified for my core competency, I was placed at the bottom of a human pyramid.
Category: Satire
An Open Letter to My Dog About His Cancelled Birthday Party
I know you are missing all your friends like Taco, Sasha Fierce, and Fluffy, but it’s just not safe right now, okay?
If Sia Can Write Music and Get Nominated for Two Golden Globes, Why Can’t I Write Hope, a Blatant Rip-Off Done WAY Better?
If an overconfident pop star’s obsessive focus on a teenage girl can produce a Golden Globe-nominated vehicle, then who’s to say I can’t do the same?
I’m Jergens Ultra Healing Lotion, Dying to Be Squeezed
It’s hard out here for a lotion bottle.
We Cannot Allow Solar Panels in This Country Because Children Might Eat Them
Think about it. Have you ever seen a kid try to eat an oil rig?
Guided Meditation for When You Have a Poltergeist
Time your breathing with the completely normal flickering of your ceiling fan light. Gently forget that you don’t have a ceiling fan.
Time-Traveling Baby Killers
Around these corridors we’ve got a saying, and I want you all to repeat after me: It Is ALWAYS Better To Kill Baby Hitler.
If White People Were Subjected to Microaggressions
Where are you from? No, where are you *really* from – Ohio?
I Am The Bird Living In Your Windowsill And I’m Here to Tell You It’s Spring, Bitches
You may be wondering, “How is that tiny fucking bird so fucking loud and so fucking early every goddamn morning?”
New York Improviser Leaves the City to be Depressed in a Sunnier Place
It’s time I take my talents to a place I can more easily pretend to be happy.