Tweet tweet, motherfucker.
Category: Personal
Why I Didn’t Respond to Your Text
I didn’t want you to know I was still awake and checking my texts at 3 am.
Everything I’m Afraid Might Happen If I Give My Five-Year-Old Son a Bubble Gun
When I kiss my son goodnight and wish him sweet dreams, he’ll respond “Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfucker!”
Thoughts I Have About My Dog Every Single Day
I am keeping this thing alive! I’m a genius! I should be given some sort of humanitarian prize!
Honest Responses I Wish I Could Send to Dudes on Online Dating Sites
Is there any living, breathing human that actually ENJOYS these sites?
All the Gay Things I Did Before I Realized I Was Gay
I helped my father install crown-molding in our dining room.
Quiz: Are You My Dad?
“I’m actually taking an improv class led by a friend of my wife’s at the local Jewish Community Center. It’s kind of challenging, but I think I have a knack for it.”
Zodiac Killer, or Your Ex-Boyfriend With a Shitty Band? [Community]
He’s weirdly obsessed with happy couples and thinks love is bullshit.