Teacher Appreciation Week: A Desperate Plea

Hello Parents!

I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but something like 93% of teachers are considering leaving the field next year, and the principals here at South Springs Elementary School need your help. Teacher Appreciation Week is wrapping up, and we have to knock this thing out of the park. Do you want a full-time educator in your child’s classroom next year? Haha us too! Let’s show the teachers some love.

In that vein, we offer a couple of suggestions that might make a teacher’s week a little bit brighter.

First, and we’re just thinking off the cuff here, but have you considered offering your child’s teacher a job babysitting over the summer? We’ve done the math, and we’re pretty sure that the current spike in inflation has wiped out a decade of raises for our valiant educators. The greatest gift they could receive just might be summer employment!

Please, though, under no circumstances whatsoever, do we want you to offer anything remotely resembling a permanent position. Please appreciate our teachers by ensuring that they remain teachers — small side gigs only! Absolutely no benefits.

We wonder if maybe you are due for an upgrade on your phone? What if instead of turning your old device in for credit, maybe you donated it to a teacher in need? Many of our teachers are dragging in with cracked phones, still accessing 4G. How can we expect to prepare your children for the world of tomorrow with the technology of yesterday? A new phone could work wonders for morale and pedagogy!

In related news, we did not get approval for computer upgrades next year because of budget cuts. More information pending at the next PTA meeting.

We’ve heard rumors that our traditional “donut and coffee” breakfast just isn’t going to cut it this year. We are considering, instead, giving out shares of stock in Dunkin’. Can you help us out with this endeavor? The good news about the Dow Jones being down is that we can get shares for only around $100!

Currently we have just $438 dollars in our “Dunkin’ Fund,” however, which works out to only about 0.06 of a share per teacher. We really would like to get this number up above 0.5 so that it can at least round to 1. Don’t have liquid cash to spare? Keep in mind that an in-kind donation of Dunkin’ stock is entirely tax deductible!

We don’t know if you’re aware, but many of our teachers are active on Facebook, Insta, Twitter, and TikTok. Outside of Teacher Appreciation Week, busking on social media is how most educators acquire supplies and make ends meet. You might consider (a) following your child’s teacher and (b) reposting their pleas for charity. Every little bit helps!

These sites can also direct you to many of their CashApp handles. Giving them money is entirely illegal, of course, so you didn’t hear that from us.

Did you know that many teachers are also parents? And that IRS filing deadlines happen to overlap with state testing calendars? Well, the rollback of the expanded child tax credit has caused considerable consternation among many of our staff. If you have any expertise in accounting, I know our teachers would appreciate a word on how to handle their taxes ahead of the late filing deadline.

In fact, just explain it to us and we will pass it along to them. Let’s say you have three children from two marriages, sharing joint custody of the oldest with an overly officious ex. How much would the Child Tax Credit be this year? What about next year? Thanks!

Here’s something! During the first wave of Covid we replaced many veteran teachers with fresh-faced college graduates. We thought that paper, the traditional gift of the first anniversary, would be an adorable present this Teacher Appreciation Week. A box of copy paper at Walmart will run you just $30 or so. Think about it: 5000 sheets of paper for just $30! Imagine how happy your child’s teacher would be!

In related news, we have completely run out of paper here at South Springs.

I know they say that a heartfelt note from you and your child is the greatest gift a teacher could receive. I wonder, though, if instead of a handwritten note you were to handwrite your child’s teacher into your will? It’s a low-stakes way to show your appreciation — chances are, given their blood pressure and diet, you’ll outlive them anyways!

If none of these ideas speak to you, please consider sending in a box of pencils and a pound of coffee. We go through something like 200 pencils and 15 pots of coffee a day here at South Springs. If you have to choose, though, go with coffee. We can continue to raid the Putt-Putt around the corner for pencils.

Finally, I just want to shout out a hearty thank you for a school year well done. Or, at the very least, nearly done. Let’s be honest: that’s all we’re looking for at this point.


Your South Springs Principals

P.S. If you know of any job openings outside of the school building, hit us up on Twitter, k? We’ll keep it on the DL, we promise. You can find our CashApp handles there as well.