Welcome to Amazon Crime!

Hi there! Here at Amazon, we pride ourselves on being innovators. Our direct-to-consumer approach allows you to get all your shopping needs met in one easy to navigate place. Still, gaps in our offerings can arise. Over the years, we’ve heard from countless people whose specific needs were just not being served by traditional marketplace sources. Well, you spoke, and we listened. With that in mind, we’d love to introduce you to our latest endeavor – Amazon Crime. 

Amazon Crime is your one-stop underworld shop—from misdemeanors to felonies, we’ve got you covered. For a low annual fee of $109 and a pledge of omerta (with blood pact), you can gain access to our unapparelled selection of crime-related items. Spotted an easy mark that will only be in town for one night? Take advantage of our same-day delivery to get a ski mask, Billy club, and all-black Air Force 1s delivered right to your doorstep in a matter of hours. With Amazon Crime, you’ll never miss the mark again. 08

Some of the products you’ll find on our site include, but are not limited to: 

·       Doctored IDs and Passports 

·       Canvas bags emblazoned with dollar signs 

·       Snitch brand sutures 

·       Death Rays (some assembly required) 

·       Twirlable fake mustaches 

·       The Big Book of Air-Tight Alibis 

·       Rubber masks of former Presidents

·       Ponzi Schemes for Dummies 

And much, much more. For those of you with a flair for drama, our virtual stylist will outfit you for every occasion. From whackings to sit-downs, our stylist will take you from mob lost to mob boss in just a few clicks of your mouse. 

Your subscription also grants you access to our vast network of on-demand criminal entrepreneurs. Are you a CEO looking to skim from the company pension fund? A new face on the drug deal scene who needs to send a not-so-subtle message to your competitors? Or just a politician trying to get a foreign nation to dig up dirt on a rival? Let our team of career criminals do the heavy lifting. They’ll lie, cheat, and steal, so you don’t have to. With Amazon Crime, your average Joe Bookie can now get experienced leg-breakers without breaking the bank. 

The thought of a jail stint can often keep a person from participating in a lucrative, yet illicit transaction. With our professional patsies and fall guys, fear of incarceration is a thing of the past. You do the crime, let us do the time. 

Later in the year, we will unveil our new getaway ride-share app, Post-Hastes. Simply enter a time and address, and one of our highly skilled, escape experts will meet you outside of your chosen bank, mansion, gas station, liquor store, or ancient ruin to whisk you to safety. Think a high-speed chase possible? Call a Post-Hastes XF (extra fast). For those frugally minded swindlers, Post-Hastes Pool can save you hard stolen cash while also allowing you to network with like-minded individuals. 

(Note: expect surge pricing during times of high crime demand) 

At Amazon, your privacy is important to us. Your data will be kept in a hand-written ledger that will be periodically moved from warehouse to warehouse, ensuring that your information is safe and that you’ll think twice before snitching. 

Thank you for choosing Amazon Crime for all of your nefarious needs. You’re not just a customer to us, you’re part of The Family. So, when your next caper arrives, remember– don’t just do crime, do Amazon Crime.

Tagged with: