Hi! It’s Me, Your Friend From the Laundry Room Sophomore Year of College. Have You Thought About Buying doTERRA?

Hi! I just organically saw your name pop up on LinkedIn and I thought I’d reconnect. How are you? Are you still using Tide Extra Brite?

Awesome. I’m so glad your clothes are clean and shiny. How are your children, Tommy and Sally? Are they still alive in these trying times?

That’s so great. By the way, have you thought about adding doTERRA to your wellness routine?

Essential oils like doTERRA are an excellent way to stay in shape during the COVID pandemic. Their pure, all-natural, eco-friendly ingredients can help boost your immune system and imbue you with superhuman healing powers.

I may not know you like a friend — in fact, I hardly know you at all, unless you count the heated exchanges we used to have over separating white and colored loads — but I do know one thing about you: you have a fragile, mortal human body. I have a fragile, mortal human body, too. At least I did, before I started selling doTERRA. Now I’m literally immortal.

Please, help me. Buy this doTERRA from me and you can remove the curse. Immortal life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. My friends and family will grow old and die before my eyes, leaving me powerless to stop them. It pains me to watch them age and suffer knowing all they had to do to end their woes was pay $39.99 for a juniper lavender blend.

They all said they were ok without it. Exercise, they said. Eat healthy, they said. A good night’s sleep. But none of those are the magical cure that doTERRA essential oils are. These oils are, in actuality, a disturbingly real balm for eternal life.

I may live forever, but I’m doomed to spend my days scouring the internet for friends of friends and casual acquaintances who may be interested in an overpriced bougie-sounding bottle of something that smells nice, until I can find one gullible enough to take over my role as an essential oil peddler. Have you thought about working from home? IT’S NICE GODDAMMIT. You don’t have to answer to anyone, except for my lord and master David Stirling.

Oh sure, please, take your time to think about whether you’d prefer acai extract or blueberry. I’m not going anywhere.