An Open Letter to My Boyfriend Whose Shit I Tossed While He Was Traveling

Hey Babe, 

I have a surprise for you! When you get home tonight, I’m going to greet you in just your tee shirt. Which one? You only have one. I tossed the rest because they had holes in them. Yes, they did. After I poked them with a pen. You know I prefer you in polos.

Try not to be upset. I’ve been killing myself Marie Kondo-ing this place. And with that overflowing crate of family photos gone (I mean please, we don’t even see those people), as well as that dilapidated box of ancient albums (babe, they were still in their wrappers!), your closet has so much more room for shoes. 

Speaking of which, you need some. I confused the keep and toss piles. No wonder the people at Goodwill were so excited. They also picked up your dad’s chair. I just know someone’s going to love it for the butt imprint alone. 

I know you’re wondering so I’ll spare you the suspense. 

Yes, I cleaned out your cabinet in the kitchen. I just love how you use it as a medicine chest! I tossed the expired vitamins, dried out tubes of Neosporin, and an ancient bottle of Prevagen. I replaced that though; can’t have you forgetting how much you love me! 

I also found your secret stash of Preparation H. You’re such a kidder, babe; I knew I wasn’t your biggest pain in the ass. 

I was really in the groove, so yes, I tackled your office. Honey, did you know you had a poster with some white woman wearing cornrows? I’m pretty sure that’s called cultural appropriation, babe, and that’s a no-no. But don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me. 

Nobody saw me set it on fire. 

I had to giggle when I discovered your lightsaber, sweetheart. I mean, do you open anything? I thought the Toys for Tots people were going to die when I dropped it off. They seemed to think it was some kind of collectible. Lol!

I do have to ask you one thing. Why would you keep an ancient leather bag filled with filthy golf balls? Yes, it was ancient. It said 1894 right in the little United States Golf Association logo. It’s beyond me how it wasn’t filled with all kinds of creepy crawlies.

Oh, and did you know you had a huge box of coasters from, like, Elaine’s and Maxwell’s Plum? Those places closed ages ago. I even found a box of matches and cocktail napkins from The Limelight. Fire hazard, honey. And you think I’m not looking out for you. 

You’ve got so much more space now, babe. Even in your bathroom. You had a veritable Bath & Body Works going on in there! I’m sorry but the Giorgio Armani and Ralph Lauren eau de ickies had to go. Women come out of the woodwork when you wear that stuff! We can’t have that, hon. I mean, can you say Covid?  

I tossed your half-used deodorants, too. I prefer you musky. Plus, it doesn’t attract the masses. And OMG babe, I couldn’t believe it when I found your Grecian Formula for Men! I cover my grey too! 

Look at us lovebirds, growing old together. 

Can’t wait to see you tonight, babe. I’ll be the cute blonde in the tee shirt. And maybe your sweats. It’s a little chilly. Shit. I better go see if I left you some.