Have you ever wondered who you really are? This test has been scientifically formulated to estimate the topography of your personality to the nearest twelve decimal places. Please be aware that Screw Myers-Briggs® is not responsible for any mental distress, itching, swelling, seizure of your body, unlawful seizure of your home appliances, or fluid retention you may experience while taking this test. Proceed at your own risk.
1. Who is your favorite Golden Girl?
2. Who is your favorite Sex and the City boyfriend?
1) Oh Henry
3. You are safety dancing. You are which of the following:
a. Real rude
b. Totally removed
c. An imbecile
d. Your friend’s behind
4. What kind of boat are you?
i) a catalburun
ii) an F-16
iii) a bloobigar
iv) a knickerbocker glory
5. What is your star sign?
a. Spicy Pop Tart
b. Liquid VISA Express
c. Bloviating Long Tod
6. Who is your favorite female superhero?
III. Peppermint Poldark
7. Your favorite body part is:
n) the vomit generator
o) the external continuation of the longissimus dorsi muscle
p) the cheese storage bunker
q) the fruit machines
8. What is the most appropriate reading material for someone who speaks with a fake German accent?
!) Are You There, Mein Gott? It’s Me, Jürgen.
!!) Lindberg’s Inferno
!!!!) Mein Campervan
9. What is your favorite smell?
1. Calvin Klein’s Obsession
2. Joe Pesci’s Derision
4. Vitamin B12 deficiency
10. Are you dead?
3) I’m not sure
4) Thank you
If you answered mostly 1s, you are a Mezzo-Geezerno. Mezzo-Geezernos are mavericks. They are adventurers. They enjoy hunting, camping and snorting lines of cardigan wool off an old lady’s bottom. Of all of the personality types, they are the most likely to have been dumped via gorillagram.
If you answered mainly 2s, you are a Nurr. Nurrs zipline through life with wild abandon. Nurrs are exclamations of sorrow, frustration, or lugubriation. A nurr is a ball of wood. Roll on, stout nurr, roll on. Nurrrrrrrrr.
If you answered mainly 3s, you are an Ort. Orts are what is left over in the feed bunk after the cattle have stopped eating. You have experienced a lifetime of being rejected by large ruminants. Orts are known to bounce around on their vestigial tails while shouting “Ort! Ort! Ort!” in an attempt to attract the attention of large ruminants. Although Orts are repulsive to large ruminants, they attract small ruminants. Orts are 90% more likely than the other personality types to have been stalked by a goat.
If you answered mainly 4s, you are a moth. You flit from one artificial light source to the next, eating people’s clothes. Of all of the personality types, you are the most likely to be consumed by a bat or to have your torso impaled by a mounting pin. Our condolences.
If you answered “Yes” to Question #10, clearly you got someone else to take this test for you, and you need to get a life (literally).