How to Replace Your Finger with a Worm

First off, you must have already lost your finger. I do not recommend removing the finger just to add the worm. For liability reasons at least. But once you are without a finger, go outside and start picking up rocks. (Make sure it is Summer. If it is not Summer, wait until it is Summer.) Under each rock there will be bugs. Play with them if you wish, but do not lose sight of the task. Keep your eyes peeled. Ideally the worm should be about the size of your misplaced finger. Its temperament is not important. Once an appropriately sized worm is found, bring it inside and feed it some leaves. Then soak it in warm water. Let it soak overnight maybe, this is up to you. When properly soaked, usually the worm will say something like, “Okay!” Next, rest your hand on a table and place one end of the worm on your bloody metacarpophalangeal joint. Stay in position for one week. Your finger will now be a worm.

The benefits?

  1. You will no longer be missing a finger.
  2. You will have a pet. And one that does not require much upkeep. Maybe feed it dirt.
  3. You will become the talk of all your friends and colleagues. They will say things like, “wow, nice worm.” And, “creepy crawler!”
  4. You will be able to compost with your hand. This one is for the environmentalist readers who know what this is and how to do it and think it is cool.
  5. Your worm will be able to tap tap tap on your laptop keyboard, freeing you up to eat Doritos and cheese puffs and other powder-residue generating snacks.
  6. You will eat for free at any pond! Your worm will easily lure unsuspecting fish to the surface, allowing you to snatch them up for a tasty treat.
  7. You will never get lonely.
  8. You will be able to communicate with other worms. This power can be used to help your friends or destroy your enemies.
  9. You will become intertwined with nature and the universe and the universal conscious experience which resides in all living things and all non-living things and all nothing – and you will love it!

Hopefully you have found this guide helpful. If you have any questions, please do not reach out. Good luck!