Before You Open That Birthday Gift (Preambles from a Mother)

1. Oh, that’s just some dumb old shit. You won’t even like it.

2. Before you open that, that gift was a real doozy. What had happened was, I thought I could get them online, so I went to the seller to make the purchase, but it turned out the delivery wouldn’t get here in time. So, instead, I went to Westside Mall to see if they had them, I won’t tell you what they are, but they had to come from a clothing store. So, I had forgot that the Nike store had closed there. So, I asked Genevieve did she know anyone selling that particular…thing. She didn’t, but she asked some of the gals she works with at the school, and it turned out that the records tech, I think her name is…Stacy? Or is it Stephanie? Or Sophie? It’s one of those names like that woman has in the movie with Jeff Bridges when he played the ball player. What’s her name? The woman in that movie with James Woods and they go international? Darn. I can picture her. Is it the same gal that was in miniseries, The Thorn Birds? Anyway, the gal at the school had said – Rachel Ward, that’s her name! Not the school woman, but the one from the movie with Jeff Bridges. But that’s the actress’ name…what’s the name of who she played? Didn’t it start with an S? Anyway, this S-named girl at the school with Genevieve did remember that someone had those track pants over at Dick’s on Longview. Now, they didn’t have many colors to pick from, so I got the tan, because you have that sweater that’s tan, so I thought maybe you could put those things together, or maybe you could swap with someone that has more of the red color you like, or you could even maybe get some dye and change them if you want, maybe make up your own color, that would be pretty cool. What was also real funny is that when I was leaving that Dick’s store, I hadn’t had lunch prior to going there, but it was getting close to dinner, so alls I really wanted was a little snack, you know? Nothing major. I saw this Panera Bread on the way over, but when I went back that way, it was actually on the other side of the road, so what I did is I kept on looking for a good place to left-turn to go around back to that side, but all those signs had said no left turn between some certain hours like 2pm to 4pm or maybe it was 3pm to 5pm…or is it 3pm to 7pm? But whatever it was, it wasn’t letting me take a left, so I wound up – get this! – at 7-Eleven, you know that one over by the graveyard on Studio Way? I went there, and I had these two little hard boiled eggs wrapped up in plastic. I didn’t know 7-Eleven did that now. You could even get pretty fresh-looking sandwiches and even standalone pickles. I was surprised! So, anyway, I think you’ll like those track pants. Sure did take a lot of effort to get them. You better like them!

3. Now, don’t break that when you open it. 

4. Be careful opening that. Turn it the other way. 

5. I don’t think that will even fit you, but I got it anyway.

6. I’m sorry about this gift. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have even…God damnit. I’m sorry. 

7. If you don’t like it, I’ll just take it back. Actually, I can’t. It was on sale. You better like it. If you don’t, just throw it in the trash. I don’t care. 

8. Oh, that’s not for you.

9. That’s a new shirt in that one. Oops, sorry. Go ahead and open it. Don’t tear the ribbon, though.

10. You’re welcome for that one. I wanted it myself, but I gave it to you instead. You better like it.