10 Worries I Have While Biting My Nails

Left Pinkie 

Can I return my Apple watch? It was a gift. I can’t figure it out and why do I have to pay for wifi? The bluetooth keeps blocking my other toothed electronics, I can’t find my music, and the heartbeat feature makes me panicky. 

Left Ring

I’ve never spoken to my neighbor. It’ll be two years in June..would it be weird to start waving now or did I miss the window? Does he think I’m a snob? I mean…he never made an effort to say hello either so who’s really the asshole here? 

Left Middle 

How much money should I dedicate to my FSA card this year? Is $1,000 enough? I need to get my eyes checked and should probably find a new psychiatrist. I wonder if I have any refills on that Valium prescription? 

Left Index 

I’m forgetting something I need to do at work. What the fuck is it? 

Left Thumb 

Should I join Costco? Would I use it? How much am I really going to save? And do I have enough room in my house to be a bulk-buyer? 

Right Pinkie

Why isn’t The Real World streaming anywhere? You’d think MTV would be cashing in on that creation…there must be a story there. Whatever it is, I just really want to re-watch Seattle season seven. 

Right Ring

Do other people feel guilty when their dog looks bored or is it just me? 

Right Middle 

My ex says he can change…I want him to change…but is he really going to change? I complain about being lonely, but if we move in together am I going to wish I was alone? How am I going to hide all the weird stuff from him that I do when no one else is around? 

Right Index 

Was my mom at the insurrection at the Capitol? She was out of town that week, but kept the details vague.  I hear Sean Hannity invoking panic in the background every time I call her and there’s a “My Pillow” on every bed in the house. Plus, someone sent me a screenshot from her Facebook where she called Marjorie Taylor Greene “a gift from Jesus Christ and Donald Trump, sent to save all the guns and babies of American from the Hillary-loving liberals #MAGA” I would love to see her most recent updates, but she unfriended me after I called her a fascist. 

Right Thumb

I wonder what people find when they “deep google” me. Unflattering pictures are a given and I think there’s some bad poetry posted on a site that I can’t recall, but what else is out there? I could always deep-google myself, but then I run the risk of spiraling into a month-long anxiety attack. Maybe I’ll do it once I pick up that Valium prescription..

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