How to Maintain Your Dignity While Answering The Question: “How Are You Holding Up?”

Pretend To Mishear The Question

What am I holding up? Oh, I’m holding up a chai margarita. It’s a new thing I made up. Yeah, I’m living the dream as a self-taught mixologist and barista. Got two online certificates in each. I’ve had a lot of free time lately. Anyways, I’m great! Honest! The tequila, cloves, and allspice blend nicely with the potpourri I mistook for edible flowers.

Abruptly Change The Subject

Ugh, not well. You know, allspice is a misleading word. It doesn’t contain all of the spices. Whoever named allspice was a sarcastic asshole.

Concoct A Delusional Fantasy…

Fantastic. I’d rather work for myself anyways. More time for hobbies. Care for a crocheted bralette? I opened up an Etsy shop, and I’ve never ever read one customer review because I know the reviews will be overwhelmingly positive.

…And Then Destroy That Delusion

I’m doing a shit job holding up, and apparently a shit job crocheting since you clearly won’t wear the bralette I made for you. I don’t care if it reveals too much nip. I think it reveals just the right amount of nip.

Get Aggressive

I dunno, Christina. How are you holding up? I know you only are asking because you feel bad for firing me from FedEx Kinkos for leaving my personal and somewhat revealing photocopies in the break room. Instead, why don’t you tell me all about how awesome it is to have a job, a loving husband, and all of your original teeth?

Cry So Much It Makes Christina Uncomfortable

I (sob) read (sob) the customer reviews of my Etsy shop. They were horrible! 

(Sob uncontrollably. If Christina doesn’t walk away immediately, release a snot rocket.)

Be Completely Honest

So, it turns out that five chai margaritas cause digestional issues and no one wants to buy crocheted bralettes with gaping holes in between stitches.

Keep It Short And Simple

I’m a fucking mess.

Tagged with: