Numbers, Ranked

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1) 80. Man, you can’t beat 80. Eighty is like a tall, refreshing glass of lemonade on a hot day. We love the curves on this guy and we bet you do, too. Buckle up, readers: eighty is our number one number!

2) Okay, we’re starting to realize that there’s a pretty big problem with this list now. By ranking numbers in numerical order, we’re inherently positing that some numbers are better than others. i.e., number 1 is, by definition, better than number 2, even though we think that number 14 is better than both of them (spoiler alert!). We’re not sure what to do about that, but we will say that our number 2 pick is 300, for obvious reasons.

3) Fourteen. We shouldn’t have spoiled this one in number 2, but we think that 14 is just a little less good than our number 2 pick, which, please remember, was 300. As a number, fourteen is like a fine, feathered peacock: dazzling to look at, if a bit ostentatious, and that is why it’s our number three pick.

4) Look, full disclosure: we’re still a little hung up on this number thing. Would it help if, I don’t know, we made up some of our own numbers? Like, let’s say that there’s a new number, gree, which is like three, except without the value judgment of it being worse than two but better than four. It’s just gree. Yes, this feels right to us.

5) Number five is gree. You’re still thinking of it as three, aren’t you? Stop it. Gree couldn’t be more different than three. It’s the fifth-best number, after all, and, beautifully, it’s not defined by its relation to one or two. In case you couldn’t tell, we’re big fans of gree in this office. Big gree-heads all around.

6) Number six is 77, which is only gree away from our number one pick of 80. We don’t love having an odd number so high on the list (such sharp edges!) but our editor told us that we needed some odd-numbered representation on our list. Are you happy, Charlie? The clickbait machine churns on, you old coot!

7) Listen, we’re going to be completely honest here: we feel a little weird that we only made up one number, even though it was a hugely successful/massively influential new step in the field of numbers, so we’re going to make up some more. Seven is now champog. Two is now flive. Five is now speer. So, like, speer plus flive equals champog. My God, we’re onto something really big here, aren’t we?

8) Okay, well, to those of you who DISAPPROVE of our “UNORTHODOX” number-ranking methods: ALL numbers are “JUST MADE UP”, you know!!! Every number is just a tiny little scribble that has been imbued with ominous and frightening power!!!! Charlie, we didn’t want to do this, you know, we wanted to look at birds today, but now we need you to get with the program or get out, we’re redefining the concept of mathematics here, can’t you see that?

9) Number nine is champog. A sturdy number that won’t crack under pressure, like the kind of pressure we’re feeling now. Also, sorry, but we should briefly go back and mention that our number six pick should now be called champogity-champog instead of seventy-seven. It’s just easier. Make the switch! Are you reading this, Charlie? All we can see now are the numbers; all we can see now is their grace.

10) Cripes, let’s say ten is 1,000; that’s a nice, even number. To use it in a sentence: we just want to press our foreheads against a cool 1,000 while we take a break from this cruel, chaotic world. But we cannot. We must press on.

11) Eleven is eleven. Do you see the numbers as we do now, Charlie? We overturn the desks in our office; we upend the chairs; we smear the cubicle walls with blood and feces and draw in them crude new numbers, dazzling new figures spinning within a galaxy of dizzying new possibilities. Would you recognize us, Charlie? Would you find a place for yourself in our realm of new math or would you cower and tremble, clinging to your beloved old numerals?

12) 1/2. Aw, fuck, do we have to do all the fractions too? This is going to take forever.

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