I’m a Swan, But I Don’t Do Monogamy

Photo by Pixabay via Pexels

Hey there. I saw you gliding across the pond and I said to myself, “That’s the most beautiful swan I’ve ever seen.” I’d like to get to know you. What do you say? Why don’t we take a dip?

Just to set some expectations: I’m an ethically non-monogamous swan. I wanted you to know from the start because I respect you. I’m not looking for my Swan and Only — just some casual necking. And your neck is quite graceful. It’s swanderful. HONK!

You should be immortalized as an ice sculpture… Oh right; of course, it’d melt! You’re funny. If I believed in monogamy, I could totally see myself mating for life with a graceful and funny gal like you. We’d raise our very own clutch and read them bedtime stories by Hans Christian Andersen and the Brothers Grimm. Alas, marriage is a fairytale.

Once upon a time, my parents, Ron and Gloria Swanson, were the perfect couple. Their necks formed two halves of one unbreakable heart. That’s why it was such a shock when they split up. Statistically, there’s like a 3% divorce rate among swans. Do you know the stigma I faced growing up in a broken home? There’s so much pressure on our species to be the ultimate symbol of fidelity and everlasting love. Everywhere you look there are tinfoil-wrapped leftovers and folded napkins bearing our likeness. Who could live up to that romantic ideal?

And most of us bond before we even reach sexual maturity. I barely knew myself at age four! Believe it or not, I was an ugly duckling in my youth. I suffered years of bullying. I’m a sensitive soul. Some male swans go around breadcrumbing the ladies: luring them in with stale morsels of affection and nothing more. Not me.

What? No, I’m not afraid of intimacy. On the contrary, I have several intimate relationships going right now. We don’t need a piece of paper and a cygnet ring to make it official. I’m devoted to my birds Bella, Elizabeth, and Odette. Technically Odette is a swan boat in Central Park―she’s one smooth ride. HONK! It’s not only about sex, though. I don’t mean to toot my own trumpet, but I’m a classy guy. I appreciate the finer things in life: Tchaikovsky, Swarovski, Proust. I’ve read all of Swann’s Way.

… I see you’re not buying my song. Can I be real for a minute? I’m actually a fuckboi prince who was turned into a swan by an old crone. She thought it’d be poetic justice to trap me in the form of a monogamous creature for all eternity. Talk about fowl play.

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