Citizens of Hollyville Falls: On this, the eve of our annual massacre of the undesirables, it’s imperative that we go over some guidelines that could mean the difference between happily ever after and agonizing dismemberment for you.
Let’s be realistic: Resources are limited. In a town with no industry and a sleighload of people competing to make a living in the corner-bakery business, some artful culling ensures that all surviving residents will be able to support their lavish holiday-decorating habits.
The rumors that we plan to slaughter every townsperson who doesn’t fit into a narrow cookie-cutter mold are simply not true. While Hollyville Falls has been accused of being as straight and white as an orthodontist’s wet dream, we have a place for ALL types, from tall, gorgeous white people to average-height, gorgeous white people—even beautiful blondes.
Here are some great survival tips for the rest of you:
* Are you a person of color? If you’re any shade besides raw marshmallow, we’ll ignore your personal stories, but you can feel free to play a minor role in the life of a white person. Be a sassy grandma or second-best friend who urges white folks to find happiness. Go up to a Caucasian and tell him to quit his high-paying job in the city to give himself a chance at love. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never met him before; you’ve got nothing to lose!
* Plain-looking? Learn to ice skate. Wrap a festive scarf over your blah face. Stay on the rink and you’ll be safe. It’s impossible to get blood off the ice. Chunks of frozen organs are such a cinematography nightmare that culling events are no longer held there.
* Above-average BMI? If you turn yourself in by four o’clock, we won’t send the goons after your family, too.
*Whatever you do, don’t go to the gazebo.
You can’t presume you’re exempt just because you’re young, white, and beautiful, either. Many’s the handsome groom who felt confident he would live to see another cookie bake-off, only to find himself cut down in the prime of life, like a fraser fir. Widowhood is de rigueur for young people here. Your widow will be devastated to lose you, but she’ll learn to trust and find true love again every year, just in time for the annual Holiday Pageant.
Even alabaster beauties should consider doing one of the following:
* Become an undercover prince and/ or billionaire CEO. In your free time, hand-carve furniture or wooden Santa figurines.
* Learn to sing, but be too shy to do it. You’ll need to be able to nail a high F note like Adele, but don’t let anyone drag you onstage unless the future of historic Ivy Bay Manor is at stake. Then—and only then—belt out “Amazing Grace” like your life depends on it. How many syllables are there in the word “grace”? That’s right, stocking stuffers, there are five. You’ll make it through the culling just fine.
* Love everything about Christmas!
* Or hate it! Scowl at carolers like you have candy canes stuck up your holly hole. Is the cheerful new girl speaking her mind? Threaten to foreclose on the local pie shop and automate the pie-making process. Replace hand-ground heirloom wheat flour with asbestos dust to save money; it’s what all the trendy New York City pie shops are doing. Break up with your girlfriend, wait until she falls in love with another man, then propose to her. You’re just the sort we’re looking for to help with the culling. Your business and romantic plans may be thwarted on camera, but we’ll need your cut-throat efficiency when it comes time to literally cut throats. And how are you at cleaning blood spatter off gazebos?
So grab some hot chocolate, stand under the mistletoe, and pray that you survive this year’s harvest, which promises to be our most gruesome to date. Culling is a matter of necessity for our town, but the torture and dramatic death tableaux? Those are pure Hollyville Falls touches. Because attention to detail is what warms the hearts of Hallmark audiences and makes them believe in the magic of the season.