Goodnight Gen-Xer: A Bedtime Story for the Generation That Tucked Themselves In At Night

In a twice-mortgaged townhome’s main bedroom

There was a landline

And 99 luftballons

And a picture of a —

A bride before she colored her hair

And three CBD-infused gummy bears

And two little macaroni bracelets made by kids who now roll their eyes and mumble things like “I don’t care”

And a pair of progressive glasses you refuse to wear

And a not-so-young spouse

And orthotics and probiotics and an ergonomic chair

And the old lady from the commercials whispering “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” she, a new recurring character in your nightmares

Goodnight twice-mortgaged room

Goodnight bride in the poofy dress

Goodnight Crystal Light to mix into tomorrow’s colonoscopy prep

Goodnight moisture wicking pajamas

And Goodnight Cooling Gel Memory Foam Mattress Topper

Goodnight yellowed copy of Forever stolen long ago from your friend Michelle’s sister on a dare

Goodnight decorative sign that says “It’s Wine O’clock Somewhere”

Goodnight Ativan

And Goodnight $100 tube of Tripeptide-R Neck RepairGoodnight teens who wandered in late and a little bit drunk

And goodnight to the old lady still taunting you with cries of “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”

Goodnight John-Boy

Goodnight Ferris

Whatever

Goodnight aging Gen Xers everywhere