It’s that time of year again – thousands of mares and stallions are escaping their ranches run by tyrannical rodeo operators, and now they’re looking for homes. Of course, this means they will be finding sanctuary in their favorite spots: buildings constructed beside giant bales of hay.
You might suspect that one or more of these galloping critters have made their ways into your living space… but how do you know for sure?
Smell!
One telltale sign of an infestation is droppings, but they’re not always easy to spot. Those massive clumps of fecal matter in the middle of the hallway might not necessarily belong to a horse. They could come from another animal, like a cow, or even your uncle Timothy after burrito night.
How can you tell if that pile belongs to a horse? Well, sniff the droppings, and if it smells like oats, hay, and thousands of years of human effort to selfishly domesticate one of the world’s most majestic beasts, then you’ve got yourself a horse infestation.
Look!
The actual horses can be hard to spot, as they often sneak through the five-foot-wide crawl spaces behind your walls, or they put lampshades on their heads to pretend they’re light fixtures. However, it’s much easier to identify the signs that they’re lurking about!
One feature of horses is that they’ll often return to the same spot. If multiple people keep turning up dead in the same room with hoof marks on their chests, then your problem is probably not carbon monoxide – but angry horses trampling your loved ones to death.
Listen!
Do you keep hearing a loud clip-clopping on the floor behind your oven? Does the sound of whinnying repeatedly echo through the house? If so, there’s probably a large man wearing clogs gagged and tied up somewhere in your kitchen.
Loud stomping and muffled screams will most likely drive large mammals, including horses, away, so if you hear clip-clopping or whinnying, you probably don’t have horses. If you don’t hear it, then there is probably nothing to keep these horses out.
Now what?
Now that you know the signs of an infestation, follow these steps to make sure these animals stop sneaking into your shower and eating apples right out of your hand:
Cast a hex: Place a corn kernel picked on a half moon, a lit match, the hair from someone whom you love but does not love you back, and a stone bead into a silver bowl. Then, chant these words to expel all horses from your home: “Horsey, horsey go away. Horsey, horsey, do not stay. Hold on, honey, Mommy is doing a special spell to make the animals who kicked your father in the chest leave. Okay where was I, um, oh! As I bend my knee and bow, horsey, horsey, leave right now!”
Talk about your favorite TV show: Literally no one wants to hear you talk about that, including horses. After only about 1-2 minutes, all horses will vacate the premises rather than hear you talk about how Matthew Rhys and Keri Russell were robbed of their best actor Emmys for their performances in FX’s The Americans.
Purchase a big box with a stick holding up one end of the box and a string tied to the stick and the other end of the string in your hand and a bucket of oats under the box to draw the horse in so that when the horse steps under the box you can pull the string which knocks over the stick and makes the box fall on the horse and trap it: Any brand works but Raid tends to give the best results. Find them at most grocery stores or pharmacies.
Get a horse-eating winged swamp demon as a pet: These creatures of the deep, with their acidic saliva and fangs made of congealed blood, aren’t just cute, but they’ll help out around the house as well! Feeding on the beating hearts of all equine animals, horse-eating winged swamp demons are much lower maintenance than other pets – just give them a few souls to feed on and a shadow to dwell in, and they’re set!