Thank you for your interest in the NYC Landlord’s Alliance!
This prestigious organization was created in 1897 by our founder Admiral Finbar McGlinchy when he was rejected by the Freemasons because they didn’t accept (quote), “new money weirdos”. Feeling dejected, McGlinchy started his own freaky eyes wide shut secret organization. Having no discernible skills and talents other than “money having”, Finbar knew he wanted to make a safe place for landlords to really cut loose and say borderline illegal things about their tenants among people contractually obligated to refer to themselves as “friends”.
Our line of landlords includes bright minds such as: black sheep, serial killers, mafia lackeys, large adult sons who got locked out of their mom’s basement, a former US President/Home Alone 2 cast member, and now even 6 members of the Supreme Court! (take that Freemasons!) We are the ones who not only preserve the wacky to evil landlord pipeline, but strictly enforce it.
Do you crave the feeling of never being at work and yet always being at work? Do you need cash in hand like immediately? Do you want to tell people ‘I know where you live’ without it being a technical threat? Sounds like lording over land is for you!
Being a part of the NYC Landlord’s Alliance is easy. There’s no charge for membership! However, someday an associate of mine named Tony the Hand will show up at your door, and you’re going to have to follow him. No questions asked. (Don’t even try to ask a question about this because we won’t answer it)
Lastly, we’d like you to adhere to a few simple tenets of our organization:
I. Always be late. If you tell your tenant you’ll be by at 3pm, make it 3am, and only come by to wake them up to reschedule. Repeat indefinitely
II. Be as shady as possible. Shadiness includes but is not limited to promising things verbally but never in writing, requiring blood samples in lieu of a security deposit, and wearing sunglasses constantly, even indoors. The more you can seem like a dime store vampire, the better.
III. All clothes you own may not have been trendy in the last decade. Since it is now 2021 that means that fashions from 2011 are currently available. Time to finally break out some plaids!
IV. No pets.
V. Do everything in your power to gaslight your tenants. If rent is due on the 1st, call on the 30th and say you need it early, and then don’t cash the check until the 15th. Change the apartment address with a sticky note so all their packages get lost. Perform the entirety of Patrick Hamilton’s ‘The Gaslight’ in full view of their window and then deny it.
VII. Now that we’ve got that pesky eviction moratorium out of the way you can go through the expensive and laborious experience of putting your tenants out on the street during a global pandemic. Just be sure to make it about you and how you’re the real victim the entire time. If you can do it while crying and counting your stacks of cash, even better.
Thank you again for your interest and support! We hope you sign on and renew our friendship every 1-5 years!
Admiral Finbar McGlinchy
P.S. Yes it’s me! The same Admiral McGlinchy from 1897 at the beginning of this letter, I am a vampire! Check out my posts on Craigslist. The ones under ‘Apartments’, you can ignore the ‘Missed Connection’ ones. Unless you don’t want to ; )