Erotic Dreams I’ve Had, Unfortunately, About Ted Cruz

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Summer of Love ‘88

Teddy’s spending the summer before college in California and the girl next door is beautiful, blond, with fresh flowers crowning her hair. They walk the fields of Sonoma Valley and fall in love. They attend Berkeley together, graduate with comparative literature degrees, raise goats, and spend their nights hosting bohemian sex parties outside. I am one of the goats. I bleat at them to please stop, please go inside for their carnal activities, but Teddy chuckles, “Keep it down, kid!”

I startle myself awake and realize why goats are associated with The Devil, but decide to give into mortal sins and moan “Hail Satan!” all night long.

The Confession

“You absolutely cannot undergo another facelift,” I tell my decades-long patient, Ted. He breaks into tears, sobbing that it’s his scarred soul that needs my surgical expertise. He begs me for help and I agree to escort him to the nearest police precinct. He confesses, “I’m Ted Cruz and I am the Zodiac Killer.” The detective and I celebrate that night by playing good cop/bad cop…

I wake up and spoon my Olivia Benson body pillow.

It’s Getting Hot in Here

Ted locks the front door of his Alaska cabin. He hangs his head in sorrow, knowing that his constituents have the wrong idea — he didn’t want to leave the Texas heatwave! He was forced to leave, for self-care! But the seams of his well-kept secret are about to burst. He brings his hands to the nape of his neck, pulls, then steps out from his skin suit. A nude David Duchovny materializes from a bright light above, carrying Ted’s fresh dermis. They kiss…

I’m awoken by my own screams, “The truth is out there!!!”

The Prince of Whines

“So, why do you really hate Planned Parenthood?” I therapeutically ask Ted. He rises from the chaise lounge, “Because I wish my mother had access to birth control! I didn’t ask to be born!” I begin to sing. I sound a lot like Barbra Streisand. Suddenly, Ted turns into Nick Nolte, and we make passionate, against-my-professional-ethics love…

I wake up and scold my Streisand body pillow for her sexual recklessness, but after hours of one-sided bickering, we make up and snuggle.

Wizard Play

I see Ted Cruz on television and he’s…growing a beard? I touch my chin and a beard instantly shoots out, six feet in length. I am transformed — I am Gandolfina, I am Dumbledora! I swirl into a Republican rally and meet Ted’s gaze, hypnotizing him into a dark alley. He kneels before me, mouth agape. I pluck my luxurious beard and cackle while feeding it down his throat. He chokes, he…reaches for his zipper? I change course and strangle him with my beard, but his last breath releases, “My kind of woman” before he slumps over and dies…

I wake up feeling dirty and only slightly aroused.


Though millions of Texans are without power, Ted must hurry off to Cancún, for family! Upon his arrival, I rush Ted into the family cryogenics lab to greet his papá. Seeing that Fidel is nearing complete defrost, Ted turns to me and asks, “What happened to his body transplant?” right before I inject him with an incapacitating agent. I stand over my step-son’s unconscious body, “Sorry hon, but it was either you or Justin Trudeau,” I say while Fidel’s thawed finger swirls up my lab coat…

I wake up gyrating my Justin Trudeau body pillow.

Back to the Kitchen

I’m in the middle of a Senate presentation when my husband storms into the room, yelling, “Lucy, ‘splain!” Suddenly, I’m propelled into a 1950s home and my husband is demanding that I promise to never step foot in The Tropicana again. His mask falls and I shout, “You’re not Desi Arnaz!” Before me is Ted Cruz! He bellows that the bacon is burning and I beat him over the head with a rolling pin…

I wake up with my hand underneath my nightgown, ashamed.

The Ghost of Lady Justice

He keeps those flapping-in-the-wind lips closed and it’s agreed that Justice Ginsberg’s Supreme Court seat will be filled after the election. I am Ginsberg’s ghost, cascading to Ted’s side and with the same steadfastness of my gavel, I tap him with two fervent kisses. I purr, “I know that was hard for you,” and he responds, “I’m so affirm…”

I wake up clutching my RBG body pillow, sobbing and apologizing, then end up making out with said RBG body pillow.


Ted calls on his best bro Elon Musk to create a time machine. Ted sets the clock back to March 22, 1970, then pats a small item in his pocket. Ted’s barely-visible form emerges behind Senior Cruz, and Ted slips a condom into his own father’s palm. Ted ceases to exist and free birth control is available in kiosks across the United States…

I wake up to an orgasm that never ends.

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