I Am a Modern, Progressive Guy, and No One Crushes Toxic Masculinity More Than I

With all this talk about toxic masculinity, I want to make it clear that I’m nothing like those guys. I’m a woke, sophisticated dude, and I crush toxic masculinity with my lavender-moisturized hands.

Macho guys always think they have to act so tough. Like they have to drive lifted trucks to show they have a big phallus. (Phallus means penis, and that’s not all I know.) I don’t need a big truck to prove my virility– just look at this cowhide man purse with the cross-body straps that generously accentuate my supple pecs. Here, let me prove it to you by winging these acorns from my master garden at nothing in particular.

Toxic masculinity suggests a need to control and dominate the natural world. I, on the other hand, own a Prius. There’s nothing I love more than communing with mother nature on my jet ski, snowmobile, four-wheeler, or dirt bike. Or, as I like to call them, Sandra, Sonia, Elena, and RBG.

Macho men always feel a need to one up each other. I don’t need to compete because I’m a family guy—I even bought my kids the fastest soap box derby cars! Don’t try to race them. They will smoke you. 

Did I tell you I love to cook? Cooking is just basic math, and I’m in the top 99th percentile. My recipes SLAY. Tonight I am el matador, and I shall hunt and spear a wild boar with the javelin I carved from a swordfish I subjugated last summer. Then we shall cavort around the hibachi while I play on my drum made from a mountain goat I conquered on a tall, snowy peak.

Unlike some backwards yokels, I don’t subscribe to outdated gender roles. I am comfortable in the fact that my wife earns as much as I do, which was how I was able to build this man cave. Don’t you just hate it when the kids are making noise and all you want to do after work is kick your feet up and relax? Pro tip: get yourself a man cave.

See, I’m all about women’s rights. Women love me, and I love women! You can tell by how deftly I tickle these mandolin strings that I have read widely in the Kama Sutra. Just don’t tell me about the time a guy sexually harassed you — TMI!

I don’t follow a barbaric, patriarchal, misogynist religion either. Like I said, I’m progressive in that way. I praise, glorify, and raise bottles of craft beer to a kind and loving god: the New England Patriots!

Toxic men only think about themselves, but I consider myself a good friend. Just ask any of my 300 closest mates, several of whom are women, who will tell you I uplift female voices by repeating their jokes more loudly. I am also thoughtful and considerate, and will fill your hippocampus with my knowledge as you nod and smile in gratitude. I mean, I’m no doctor, but I think I have a pretty good idea as to how the female reproductive system works.

As a friend, I will never put you on the spot by asking you about yourself or your accomplishments. In general, I will never ask you a question as that could make me look weak, but I’m totally secure in myself offering you a stiffy so neither of us has to feel vulnerable.

I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I think I’m doing a pretty good job of keeping my toxic masculinity in check. If you don’t agree, THEN I WILL TALK LOUDER. Sometimes I don’t really know what I’m talking about, BUT AS LONG AS I SAY IT LOUDLY ENOUGH, YOU WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE, AND NEITHER WILL I.

Honestly, I think patriarchy is on its way out. Women run the world now, and I know this is true because look who tells me what to do: my wife, my mother, and that female boss I once had. Man, has she aged or what?

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