An Open Letter to My Dog About His Cancelled Birthday Party

Dear Bruce,

Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy! You are! YOU. ARE. 

First off, let me say that this is not your fault. Not your fault at all, okay? 

I know you are missing all your friends like Taco, Sasha Fierce, and Fluffy, but it’s just not safe right now, okay? I know it’s your fifth birthday party, but we just can’t do it, sweetie. We just can’t. 

Now, listen, no, don’t give me that pouty face! You know I would do anything for you!

We were going to have the best day, I know. I was going to have a giant party with edible decorations, because, you know, dogs like to eat everything. I even picked up some old shoes for each dog to take home as a party favor! What am I going to do with those now? I can’t just return them to Goodwill.

I’ve also been secretly collecting tennis balls from the courts in our neighborhood. Don’t worry, I hide in the bushes and only steal the ones that go over the fence.

But now I have 24 tennis balls and no one to give them to. I guess I could always give them back, but then I would be a thief!

And what about all the food and treats? What a waste of money. 

It’s been hard, Bruce. This upended my life in a real way and because of that, my mental health has been completely out of whack. So, I went for the sweets.

You see, I really wanted cupcakes, cake, chocolate, anything, but all I had were these 24 doggie cupcakes from the local barkery. And they were expensive. And I was in no state to make anything. So, while I was sobbing over the hardest decision of my life, I decided to try one…and honestly? Tasted like an earthy carrot cake. 

Next thing you know, I was downing 23 of them while sobbing into 13 Going on 30. Okay, I know! I know it’s problematic, Bruce! But dammit that musical montage scene where she creates a shitty yearbook idea for a high-end magazine is the stuff of DREAMS. 

Anyways, don’t worry. I saved you one of the cupcakes and we WILL use it to celebrate you properly. 

I just need to work through this right now, okay? This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I mean, who knew the pandemic would ruin this?!

I know, I know, Bruce! People are cancelling their weddings and this seems so trivial, but is it? I mean, I love you and you deserve to be celebrated! People can get married any day, but a dog’s fifth birthday? That’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience. We can’t replace that!

So, I am going to spend the normal two-weeks grieving over this event and going through the five stages of grief. But once I hit acceptance, we will properly post a picture to Instagram celebrating you with your birthday cupcake. 

Until then, I am going to openly weep and eat the edible decorations. Besides, these streamers are super tasty.

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