9 Things You’ll Never Read on a Food Blog

1.  Under no circumstances adjust the seasonings. And never willy-nilly add a few shakes of salt or grinds of pepper for good measure. Recipes already account for your inferior palette.  

2. Do you owe friends a home-cooked payback dinner? Don’t worry. Paybacks are hell but no more. This dish guarantees you’ll never have to entertain again.  

3. We feel sorry for you if you actually have the time to make this three-day Cassoulet. 

4. NOTE:  Prep times don’t account for your incompetent knife skills or your real-life interruptions.  

5. This savory hunter’s chowder is ideal for the entire family. Serves a family of four and one large dog or two medium-sized cats. 

6. Desperate for a showstopper? This delightful, fruited sponge cake was scrupulously developed in our test kitchen and will mask any poison of your choosing. Works especially well for arsenic and strychnine. The Borgias would be pleased.  

7. Ok. You’re right. Skate USED to be a trash fish.  

8. You know you eat with your eyes first. Right? Full disclosure, that may or may not be food in the photos. In fact, we’re fairly sure the braised pork chop is a dog toy with a glaze of hairspray. We had nothing to do with it. 

9. The vegans at your table will never suspect it’s meat.