We Cannot Allow Solar Panels in This Country Because Children Might Eat Them

Here at MegaPetroleum USA Corp., we see a grave safety threat in our modern energy society. It’s lurking in remote Southwest deserts and right in our coastal suburban neighborhoods, ready to kill our babies by the thousands. 

No, it’s not our massive fleet of fossil fuel plants spewing plumes of carcinogens and greenhouse gases. It’s residential and utility-scale installations of solar photovoltaic modules, commonly known as solar panels. Or, as we believe they should be called, forbidden blue graham crackers. 

If there’s one element of safety we all really care about in the U.S., it is children’s choking hazards, no matter how remote the danger. I mean literally. As a nation we unequivocally do not care about anything else that may endanger children. This includes — but is not limited to — unregulated lethal firearms, SUVs careening into crosswalks, and especially irreversible catastrophic climate change wrought by decades of concerted disinformation from oil and gas conglomerates singularly focused on wealth and shareholder value at the ultimate expense of humanity itself. 

Kids choking, though? Now that’s an issue. First of all, a large percentage of solar equipment is imported from China, which will instantly confuse any child whose parents ever ordered takeout from a Chinese restaurant. How can we expect them to distinguish between a fortune cookie and a solar cookie? They cannot, and it is frankly unconscionable to place that burden on them. 

Given that the average residential solar panel measures more than five feet wide, you may be lulled into a false sense of security, tempted to believe there is no way your child could ingest it. But we looked beyond the veneer of “mitigating deadly climate change” claimed by renewable energy advocates. These peddlers of poison want nothing more than to choke your child with their so-called clean energy.

We found that two popular types of solar panels are known as “polycrystalline” and “monocrystalline,” depending on the manufacturing process. That’s right, crystalline. Why don’t you just call them strawberry rock candy and sour blue raspberry rock candy? 

Worse, key raw components include a silicon carbide “slurry,” which is a clear attempt to build a delicious association with the McDonalds McFlurry. And we couldn’t believe our eyes when we solar panels are literally made from “wafers.” The truth is out there in plain sight. We are relatively confident these wafers contain vanilla flavoring — artificial, of course. 

To top it off, many solar installations convert current with “string inverters,” which sounds suspiciously like string fruit snacks to us. But you’ll never hear any of that admitted by deceitful Big Solar when they try to claim their products are not being deliberately tailored to innocent children’s palates. 

Think about it. Have you ever seen a kid try to eat an oil rig? Of course not. For centuries, our industry has maintained a 100% spotless safety and health record when it comes to munching on equipment and we’re rightfully proud of that. 

So, every time we sic our lawyers and lobbyists on anyone trying to regulate our safe, non-tasty energy or pass clean energy legislation, remember that we are only trying to save your family from needless solar panel ingestion tragedy. Thanks to our tireless work, between 2009 and 2018, annual growth in all types of renewable energy in the U.S. was only 0.7 percentage points.

In fact, we’ll make sure subsidies for oil, gas, and coal continue to exceed the annual spending by the Pentagon. Consider it our version of national defense. It’s a lot of money, but what’s the alternative? Encasing solar panels in giant child-proof pill bottles? We know that all parents understand that even one swallowed solar panel (would hypothetically be) simply one too many.