20 Things Better Than My First Time Drinking

Nine years ago, for the first and last time, I tried alcohol. Coming from a warm, sandy Bud Light can, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I could never put into words how this experience felt. So, in an attempt to explain myself, here’s a list of 20 things that are, probably, better than my first-time drinking.

1.     Fresh socks. Or, just socks, in general.

2.     That one pair of socks you have that somehow find a way to stick together. No matter what.

3.    When a friend recommends a certain book or author, meaning you must be giving off that vibe.

4.     Everything but the texture of tuna salad.

5.     When you forget your wallet, but, you don’t end up actually needing it. Freedom.

6.     The first time you and the gas station, bodega, or corner store cashier joke around with each other during checkout.

7.     Asking for a Baker’s dozen at a bakery. (Try it.)

8.     When you turn on a movie right at the best part. (Example: Happy Feet. Best Part: Entire duration of movie.)

9.      Fortnite. (Sadly.)

10.  When your dog scratches at your door. 

11.  When you make a reference in public and a random stranger just gets it.

12.  The first 14 seconds of a shower…before the thoughts start happening.

13.  Laser tag.

14.  When you get to make your own name at Laser tag, for a moment, feeling renewed given the ability to ditch the persona you constantly maintain yet, only tolerate.

15.  When you finally get to see “Incineroar Decepticon Prince of Darkness” next to #1 on the LED leaderboard after absolutely dominating a round of Team Deathmatch. Your chest swells with pride.

16.  Getting banned from that specific laser tag arena for life due to excessive force. You understand it’s only for the best. You lost a lot of time and money to that establishment. At the end of the day, you know you gave it your all. That’s what matters.

17.  Reconstructive facial surgery.

18.  Fake ID’s.

19.  Showing up to that same Laser Tag arena for the regional quarterfinals. Proving to them once and for all, you’re not a player to mess with.

20.  Sliced bread, probably.