Guided Meditation for When You Have a Poltergeist

Welcome to my guided meditation for when you have a poltergeist. By selecting this video today, you’ve taken a big step towards freeing your mind, if not your apartment, body, or eternal soul. 

To begin, choose a comfortable seat in a quiet, distraction-free place. Try not to worry about what the poltergeist is doing. Does the poltergeist have a name? Let’s call him Max.

Try not to think about the pain in your tailbone where you hit the floor when you tried to sit down – you’ll notice Max moved all your furniture. Shift your body to the left and choose a comfortable seat there instead.

Begin to breathe. Time your breathing with the completely normal flickering of your ceiling fan light. Gently forget that you don’t have a ceiling fan. 

Breathe in. 

Breathe out. 

Allow yourself to play with an audible breath here. Breathe so loud you don’t quite hear Max banging those pots and pans in the background. Focus your breath instead. Your breath is useful, though maybe not as useful as an exorcist.

Allow your breath to drop into your chest. That sudden rush of air was your breath, not Max passing through your chest. Poltergeists probably can’t possess people. Probably. 

Allow your breath to drop into your belly. Fill your body with air, like the way your sink is currently filling with water. Max must have turned the water on and stopped up the drain again. Don’t worry about the water now spilling over the side of your sink, infiltrating your hardwood floors and definitely leading to mold growth you won’t be able to clear out without like, a lot of money. This is your time.

Try a breath of fire here. Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. You’re doing so well you might even smell smoke. That might also be the small fire Max set.

Focus on your breathing as the noises around you take on a life of their own. The slamming doors are Max becoming irritated that you aren’t paying attention to his antics. That crash was your shelf of valuables hitting the floor. Breaking glass? Surely that was just your collection of souvenir shot glasses or the commemorative plaque from your summer whale viewing trip, and not your window. Or two windows? Remember to breathe. 

I invite you to begin scanning your body from head to toe. How does the top of your head feel? How does your head feel when an otherworldly chill begins to envelop your body? Your muscles may tense as you get colder and colder. Breathe and let the tension go. 

Ignore those feelings of something poking your already tense arms. That’s still just Max trying to get your attention. Now is not the time to wonder whether he becomes more corporeal as he gets angrier – just let that thought go. 

As you sit quietly you might notice thoughts or feelings popping up. Think of them as little clouds you can wave away or bubbles you can pop. That was a balloon Max just popped, not an explosion as he opened a portal to another, more terrifying realm. Didn’t even know you had a balloon, did you? Note how it makes you feel and then pop the thought. Pop the thought about the anguished screaming you suddenly hear. While you’re at it, pop the thought about the increasing smell of rotten eggs filling your apartment. What are you going to do, anyway? Close the portal? You don’t have the right sacrifice for that. 

Pop the thought about whether you are the right sacrifice for that. 

 Before we close, you might take a minute to adopt a mantra. Something like I can let go.  Say it with me. I can let go … of my extremely flammable studio apartment. It belongs to Max now, or will if the fire he started is allowed to get bigger. Say it a few times. 

When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes. Take in the room around you. Yes, Max did tilt all the pictures on your wall over 45 degrees. I’m surprised you even noticed, now that the walls are covered in blood.  

Isn’t it nice how meditation increases your awareness of your physical space? 

Remember to breathe.