The 12 most eligible singles in my local comic book shop’s drop in D&D sessions

12. Grimy Grant: Crass, way too crass. Hits on every NPC women he comes across. Really makes everyone uncomfortable. Gets a weekly ‘talking to’ from management.
11. Marissa: Nice smile, ugly dice set. Lime green with purple detailing. Barf.

10. Timmy “Ten” Timmons: Unbelievably average. Never gets out of line, but doesn’t bring much to the table either. You always forget he is in your party until the DM makes you roll a bunch of like, history checks or whatever.

9. Rahul: Lovely, lovely person. Really great at role-playing, always brings imaginative and unique characters to the session. Endlessly supportive of his party, which is necessary, because he rolls like dogshit. I have never seen him crack a 13. Everyone agrees that they like having him around, but no-one wants to chance bringing that kind of bad luck into their romantic lives. He’s the kind of guy that would roll a 4 on his performance check, if you know what I mean.

8. Benj: Hates role-play, hates 5th edition, hates GMs who play loose with the rules. Starts fights on and off the table. I think she works in human resources. 

7. Simone: Doesn’t play, is just there for the comics. Once screamed at me for thinking Spawn was a video game. 

6. Jorge: They are super fun, super kind, but they never actually join a game. They mostly just hover around the tables and cheer. Sometimes they bring snacks for everyone. It’s nice, but just a bit unsettling. Also they breathe loud. 

5. Irish Andy. Not Irish. Thinks role-playing is just doing an Irish accent. All their characters have the exact same personality, just from different parts of Ireland. Always gives me notes on my own character voices. Also they constantly mistake the D12 for a D20, so annoying. 

4. Chris “Cheetos” Halloway: Allergic to one of the chemicals in Cheetos. We gave him the nickname so that everyone remembers not to open Cheetos around him. He’s a frail but good with an epipen.

3. Gror-Thunk: No-one knows her real name, just the name of the character she is playing that month. Really gets into the role-play, which could be a major pro or a major con, depending the setting. Great for in-game immersion, tough to want bring out to the bar after. 

2. Sunglasses Indoors Guy: Look out everyone, here comes Neo! Ha Ha! Just kidding. This guy is actually sweet as hell and the sunglasses are because of his glaucoma. 

20. Nicky “Nat 20” Fletcher: What is this guy even doing here? He is perfect. His teeth, his hair, his bones, all of it, perfect. Everyone swoons when this guy walks in and I think he played high school baseball. His last name is Fletcher. Fletcher! Like someone who makes arrows! Come on, way too cool and he’s not sexist, easy first place. 

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