Boy Am I Glad You Taught Me So Much About Dog Etiquette While I Was Getting My Mail

Why, hello! Who’s this little guy marking his territory on my mailbox post? Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you! He’s just so adorable!

Oh, so he doesn’t like being called “little.” Of course not. Yes, I am a grown man and that would be awfully strange if someone addressed me as “little guy.” I apologize. It’s a she? Oh, again, my mistake.

Her name is Donavan? Oh, did I call her “it” just then? Well, I guess I became a little nervous since you started to cry.

Look, I admit I really didn’t know how to approach your dog, I mean Donavan, since I don’t own a dog. Oops, I didn’t mean to imply ownership. Yes, I agree, “owning” your dog makes it sound like she’s not part of your family. No, I don’t “own” any of my family members.

Uh oh, she’s approaching me, what should I do? Should I put my hand out? No? My inner wrist? Got it. Too fast? Oh, way too slow? So the precise speed shows trust, that’s so interesting. Yes, my hands are clean and I do wash them. Huh, I guess you’re right, there is no way to tell if I had some disgusting meat-sandwich for breakfast, is there?

Again, another good point. I couldn’t tell she was vegan. Her coat is shiny, I agree. Yes, I could see how that would make her create healthier waste for your organic garden. So that’s why you scooped it up and put it in that cooler. It makes total sense now.

So where did you get her? Darn, I’m batting a thousand. Yes, she’s not something you “got” like a cheap handbag at Walmart. I guess dogs can choose their families, I didn’t think of that. Do they pick families out in a lineup or swipe them on an app or something?

No, I’m not a professional comedian. I was in a college improv group called Walm Art, though.

Aren’t you glad you chose your family, Donavan? Yes you did, you good little cutesy doggo you!!

What? No, I’m sorry. I can see how that tone can be extremely offensive. I agree, she’s not a child. Of course I noticed that she’s not a toddler. I only used the baby talk because she looked so cute. No, I was not hitting on her.

Wow, you’re starting to violently shake, are you ok? I shouldn’t have looked her in the eyes? I couldn’t tell that she had such a fragile self-esteem.

Emotional damage? Excuse me? To her or you? Her? I see. She’s been bred as an acting dog? That sounds pricey. Sure, I have insurance, but I don’t think it covers dog therapy. How does that work, anyway? Does she lie on a doggie couch?

Please don’t run away! “Good Luck” on your acting career, Donavan!

You’re so right! She doesn’t need luck!

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