How I Achieved My Dreams In Life With Just An Enchanted Amulet, And You Can Too

I’m Alison Rathburn, leader of TWO World Cup-winning teams in goals and assists. At 5’ 5” and 120 lbs, I wasn’t born with raw physical talent. I had to find something else to succeed. You think some magic spell gave me what I needed?

The answer is YES.

Romanian legend tells of an immortal sorcerer called Zamkar. I found him, won his magical amulet that gives the wearer supernatural powers, and I used it to be good at soccer! I wear it to this day partly for the memories, and partly because if I try to take it off, it screams and burns my flesh like 1,000 suns!

But legit magical amulet or not, my career hasn’t been easy. I returned from Romania JUST in time for to walk on at Arizona State. I was out of shape, I was rehabbing a knee injury, and the coach said flat out,“Alison: you are not good enough.” That’s a real gut punch. So I rubbed the amulet, and THEN the coach said in an entranced voice that seemed to come from outside of himself, “Alison, you are good enough!” 

In the years that followed, I was blessed with a record-breaking collegiate and then pro career in the sport I love. I was also cursed by demonic voices incessantly warning me that a horrible reckoning would come for abuse of Zamkar’s precious artifact. But you can’t listen to the haters.

Fast forward to the 2015 Women’s World Cup. The Big Tamale. By then, I’d already done everything in soccer twice, so no pressure, right? WRONG. Now America EXPECTED success- too bad Sweden didn’t wanna cooperate, haha.

We were down 4 to 1 with 2 minutes left. But I dug deep. I spilled my blood on the amulet, spoke the magic words, and as you saw if you watched the game, the Swedish team just vanished to give us a default victory and I retired the next day to end a career I wouldn’t change for anything.

I know what you’re thinking: Alison, you wouldn’t change the deaths of the Swedish women’s soccer team? Well, they’re not dead, they’re just stuck in the Between Zone: a horrifying limbo ruled over by the minions of Zamkar, who torment you daily with a howling song that burrows into your head and scrambles your brains!

Now, if you can believe it, a lot of people question whether I ACHIEVED anything by wishing myself a successful soccer career, or instead made all human endeavor meaningless. To them I say, the first one.

If you want to unlock “the magic within” as I did, here’s what you want to do: Find a sorcerer, win his magic amulet by solving his riddles, trap him in an enchanted lamp to defeat the 3 day limit before you must return the amulet, then use it to FOLLOW YOUR DREAM!

And maybe have some stooge wear the amulet so THEY get the side effects and YOU get the good stuff? Just an idea.

Also, if a well-meaning friend or loved one tries to save you by taking and destroying the amulet, don’t let them! First of all, it will just shock them to death! I found that out the hard way, unfortunately. Coach Aguilera, you were braver than me, but weaker than the amulet. RIP. And second, you can’t let anyone get between you and your goals!

In closing, support grassroots soccer in the US, and if you are a clumsy construction worker in Romania, please stay away from the Dark Caves. If you enter them and knock over the enchanted lamp I trapped Zamkar in, he’ll escape and whisk me to eternal torment in the Between Zone. Thank you.