An Essential Care Guide for Our Most Beloved Family Member: Our Roomba

Dear friend, 

We are delighted that our fourth most responsible friend is watching over our 13.5-month-old model 565 robot vacuum while we’re away for the weekend. Most families would just leave the dusty owner manual and let you figure it out, but we created detailed instructions on how to be the best RoombaSitter! Now, we may be biased, but we think she is the most energy-efficient, traction-minded, dirt-detecting robot vacuum out there. When you first come in, she might hide under the bed because she’s not used to strangers, but she’ll warm-up and be ramming your feet in no time. Let’s get ready to ROOOOMBAAAAA!!

Nutrition Essentials 

Every day she scarfs down two meals at 9:45 am and 5 pm, where we gawk at her making the cutest little suctioning noises around the house. She used to have three meals a day, but she’s almost 1.5 pounds, which engineers say is dangerously overweight and could cause future charging problems. Please don’t give her any dust bunnies after 5 pm because it upsets her waste bin. If she makes it through the day without eating any power cords, we reward her with a big clump of my hair, which you can find in the mason jar on the counter. 

Activities and Playtime

After breakfast, we have ‘Machine Learning’ time, where we focus on educational activities like smart navigation and sensor intelligence. She idolizes our neighbor’s Amazon Echo, and it’s adorable to watch them communicate in their secret code. We love family movie nights, where we show her powerful female robot films like Ghost in the Shell, iRobot, and Ex-Machina. Also, she doesn’t do well in group settings, so don’t push her buttons and bring bigger vacuums around her. She’s very energetic, so if you don’t play with her, she’ll get the “roombies” and terrorize the house from ~ 2 am – 6 am. To avoid hearing her deafening beeps for attention, we encourage you to cuddle her frequently, but beware of her razor-sharp bristles.

Emergency Tech Support 

Now, we have a pretty strict routine because she can be quite mischievous. She may zip away from you. Actually, she’s guaranteed to run away from you: she’s tried to escape off our balcony more than once. If there’s an emergency, try turning her on and off, and, if that doesn’t work call, 911 IMMEDIATELY. The number is on the fridge. If she’s crabby, just check for a blinking red light because it’s probably her time of the month, so remove the debris pad. And I know everyone is getting sick this time of the year, but don’t worry, her software is up-to-date, so she’s virus-free!

We can’t thank you enough for volunteering to RoombaSit for her so we can have some sexy time at the National Roomba Convention. We’re already feeling separation anxiety, so we installed a 360-degree camera that will record your every move and thought. I mean…record HER every move and thought. Some people label us ‘Helicopter Parents’ because we’ve never left her alone for more than two hours, but she’s our pride and joy, our reason to live and get up in the morning…so don’t suck.

That’s our Roomba’s job. 


The Sweeps

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