Make Him Regret Ever Leaving You (No Crunches Needed!)

What’s up, ladiesssss! It’s me Amanda, your fave lifestyle blogger, international felon, and 5-time divorcée, with a hot new guide to breaking up. I’ll be honest, I’m so over “revenge body” narratives – partly because changing your body for a man is unhealthy, but mostly because it’s just not effective! That’s why I developed these tips, all taken from my own life, which will allow you to get real revenge without having to do a single crunch (You’re welcome!).

  1. Become bffs with all his other exes. Post pics of you all having a blast together in Mallorca. At the very least it’ll make him super uncomfortable. (In my case, I may have lost my first husband, Jonathan, but I gained an amazing community of brunch buddies!)
  1. Beat him at his own career. You can’t just succeed in your own life- you have to win at his, too. So what if he’s a nuclear physicist and math makes you want to stick pencils in your eyes? Go back to school. Change careers. Stay focused on the competition. You may feel like you’re wasting your life, but trust me, it’ll be worth it in forty years when you win a Nobel prize in a subject you hate, and he hears your name briefly mentioned on NPR. (I’m still working on this one. But it’s coming, Luis! Just you wait!!)
  1. Seduce and steal the new person they’re with. So your ex-husband Matthew, who you married TWICE, has a new girlfriend? She’ll leave him just as soon as she realizes that you can give her more pleasure than he ever could. You’re not into girls? Who cares! This is about revenge, not labels. (My agent told me that this tip is “problematic.” But I kept it in because it demonstrates the importance of commitment to your goal!)
  1. Mail him “gifts.” You know his address. What is Amazon good for if not executing revenge plots? Send him the most random and annoying stuff you can find: singing cards that never stop, giant jack-in-the-boxes, thousands of canaries with IBS. Make him deal with that shit just like you had to deal with his. (I recommend the canaries! My third husband Gino was highly allergic to birds.)
  1. Hack into his computer and release what you find. Nudes are boring. Try bank account info. Is it illegal? Yes. Will you get caught and put in prison? Perhaps. But sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the things you care about (even if MATTHEW never sacrificed ANYTHING in our relationship even though he SAID we had something SPECIAL…)
  1. Decide you need to “focus on yourself.” Embark on an Eat-Pray-Love-type journey to a remote island to study yoga. Take a thirty-day vow of silence and chastity. During morning meditation on day twelve, accept the fact that nothing will satisfy you except the sweet taste of revenge. Decide that you’ll have plenty of time to “focus on yourself” after psychologically destroying your ex. Trek out of the woods and find the nearest bar. Meet an undercover CIA agent. Have a passionate sexual affair. Convince him to track down and torture your ex-husband in exchange for you using your hacking skills to topple the island’s government. Orchestrate a military coup and then flee the country in the dead of night. Reconnect with your sexy CIA agent in Mexico. He takes off his disguise. It was Matthew the whole time! He set up everything to get revenge on you for the girlfriend stealing and bank account hack. He sells you out to the government and you stand trial. In an unlikely moment of compassion, the judge says you can have your laptop in jail. You can keep your blog! But then, in a cruel twist of fate, you forget to bring your charger. You’re at 7%. You sit in your cell and think back bitterly on the choices that lead you here. You wonder, was revenge worth it? This is your last post.

Anyway, I hope these tips make you feel confident and empowered! Leave a comment and let me know your fave revenge strategies. I’ll be sure to get back to you in the next 27 years (earlier if I get parole!).