FAQ: #Networking For Obnoxious Men

Are professionals in my chosen field on Twitter?
Yes. Professionals from many different fields are active on Twitter and are often open to giving advice in the form of “AMA’s” (Ask me anything).

Great! I’ll slide into some DM’s right away.
Not so fast. Messaging strangers on the Internet is ill-advised and may come across as rude and presumptuous. In fact, it is rude and presumptuous. 

I can message women, though, right? Women always want to help.
Still no. Women generally do not enjoy receiving messages from strangers online. They are busy with careers, tending to children and elderly relatives and bearing the emotional labor for their relationships. Also, it is creepy AF. 

What if I ask them nicely to pick their brain?
Ew. Hard pass. Absolutely no one enjoys having their “brains picked.”

What if I use emoji? 🗡️🤝
When attempting to make a professional impression, it’s best to minimize the potential for being mistaken for a budding serial killer.

Heh, heh, how about photos? I could send a pic of my-
Absolutely not.

But what about-
Repeat after me: I will keep my penis in my pants. 

Then how do I form a relationship on Twitter? 
Just like in real life, forming relationships on Twitter takes time. Be patient. Find common ground. For example, your shared admiration for the kitchen aesthetic in Nancy Meyers’ rom-coms.

I’ve never seen a Nancy Meyers rom-com. 
Maybe you should. She is an excellent writer-director. I suggest you start with Something’s Gotta Give or It’s Complicated.

I’d prefer to get their attention by replying with my own, more accurate opinions. 
Sorry to inform you, but “reply guys” tend to get muted or blocked. Sometimes both. With great speed and satisfaction.

Whatever. Once I’ve made contact, when can I ask for help?
Networking isn’t about asking people for favors or using them to get what you want. It’s a delicate dance where you offer just as much value as you receive. Like any healthy relationship. 

Wait, I have to offer something in return? That doesn’t sound fair. I only care about my own needs.
Ooh. I feel sorry for your partner and/or casual sex friend.

What? My partner is very satisfied. I can tell because of how loud she is in bed.
Strike my earlier rom-com suggestion. Start with Nora Ephron’s When Harry Met Sally.

I messaged a woman for advice and she didn’t respond. So I let her know how rude that is. What are my next steps?
Nothing because you have been blocked. 

What if I don’t tag her, but describe her poor behavior in vivid and specific detail?
Subtweeting should be reserved for personal gripes against one’s exes. Professional subtweeting will result in getting yourself blocked.

I can’t give up. I’m gonna create another account and DM Ava DuVernay to read my screenplay.
Congratulations, your account has now been muted, blocked, and reported as spam.