Agenda: Santa’s Handyelf

December 20th

4:45 a.m. : Roll out of tiny bed. Curl toes of shoes.

4:50 a.m.: Cigarette and bowl of Elf Chex with reindeer milk. Cup of peppermint cocoa. No whipped cream! Must fit in good green velvet suit for Eve send-off party.

5:00 a.m.: To barn: On the way pick up Pixie Dust at Drinkerbell’s trailer. Make sure to get a full cup this time.

5:05 a.m.: Mix deer chow and starting dose of P. Dust. Fill nosebags. Remember: Vital to stick to five-day schedule of dosing and don’t let the pothead Blitzen weasel more.

5:20 a.m.: Light fireplaces in Santa’s office and in workshop. Inspect for possible OSHA violations (ha! Like open fires!). Change day number on chalkboard count of “Days Without Accidents in the Workplace.” Fortunate that they don’t have power tools. SC is a stickler for “the good old ways.”

5:50 a.m.: Basement: time to break up lumps of coal for Bad Little Girls and Boys. Remember: fist size or larger to avoid ingestion lawsuits.

7:30 a.m.: Cigarette break. Straight peppermint juice chaser.

7:45 a.m.: Back to barn. Release deer to corral and clean stalls. Don’t upset prima donna Vixen.

8:15 a.m.: Check and recheck tack. SC a real old lady about rig.

9:15 a.m.: Sled maintenance. Wax runners again, says the Old Guy. Carnuba wax his highness’ bench seat. Repaint holly on sides of sleigh, with berries this time. Scrape off “I brake for no one.” bumper sticker on back. Very funny, Drinkerbell.

11:15 a.m.: Check on reindeer at corral. Make sure no one’s picking on Prancer and that Rudolph is in the games and not ignored again.

Noon: Lunch at Santa’s table today. Discuss plumbing for jacuzzi in Clauses’ bedroom. It has to be in and running by nightfall the 25th! Decaf cocoa only after noon.

1 p.m.: Repaint red and white stripes in elf barracks. Leave tiny bell-shaped mint on each tiny pillow with xeroxed note from SC to keep up the good work, etc.

3:00 p.m.: Move 50-pound bags of white flour and sugar from storeroom to Mrs. C.’s pantry. Man, that woman churns out the calories. What I’d do for a dill spear, pastrami on rye, and some sauerkraut.page2image12104

3:45 p.m.: Move deer back into barn. Read them their daily inspirations from “Principles of Aeronautics” and “The Night Before Christmas.”

4:30 p.m.: Visit Drinkerbell and have a snort of mistletoe powder with her. Pick up second daily dose of P.D. Get full cup!

4:45 p.m.: Mix deer chow and nosebag the team.

5:00 p.m.: Mintinis with the crew. Take bets on annual SC race pool.

6:00 p.m.: Dinner and snooze through nightly pep talk from Big Red. Children depending on us, love, hope, yada yada yada.

7:30 p.m.: Poker game in tack room with Bits, Dumpy, Gilroy, Max and Rumplestiltskin.

11 p.m.: Check on reindeer. See that Cupid is in his own stall.

11:05 p.m.: Smoke last cig in bed, watching red tip glow in the dark like somebody’s nose.