Mom’s Final Facebook Post

Facebook, I am about to SNAP. I’m sure you’ve heard by now that my hubby of twenty-three years and I recently divorced, and now, something REALLY bad has happened…

As you all know, I have been an avid user of this website for many years, after getting the idea to join from my dear son, Jack. He said that I shouldn’t sign up, but I could tell he was secretly excited! ANYWAY, recently, I have noticed that some of my so-called “Friends” might not actually be as friendly as I’d thought…

Speaking of my son, Jack: honey, I do not see ANY reason why commenting “you look a little chilly, sweetie pie!!” on your topless photographs merits calling me an “embarrassment”, especially in front of your friends. If it was enough to make that girl stop going out with you, she wasn’t willing to put in the hard work and she didn’t deserve you.

And to my other son, Tom: when you share a video and I comment, “Who’s that?”, don’t talk to me like I just spat in your soda. Do you have a secret life? Why are you sharing videos of people we’ve never met?! They’re very funny but I’m fed up with you RUDELY rolling your eyes when I confront you about who those people are! I care!! About your safety!!

This isn’t my only Facebook gripe, though – OH, no! Take last week, when my beloved cousin’s child left a comment under one of my thoughtful, intelligent posts about how vaccinations are a government ploy to take control of our lives, saying simply, “Ok boomer”. Now, I’ve never heard the word ‘boomer’ before, and I don’t know about you, but I’d say that sounds pretty mean, no? What’s more, my darling nephew whom I thought cared about me also liked the comment, even after I’d put $15 in his last birthday card. Heartbroken doesn’t even begin to cover it. You can’t just buy $15 – that’s pure love.

And don’t get me started on the Minion memes. HOW can anybody with a heart scroll past a post of an adorable Minion with the caption, “A balanced diet is a cake in both hands” and not fall in love? Joanne, I’m talking to you: you haven’t shared one of them, and don’t think I haven’t noticed. All I’m saying is, don’t go expecting any seasonal craft suggestions from me this holiday season, okay?!

Of course, we can all agree that I am known for my wicked sense of humor. If you want to be my Friend, you have to know that I can be a little bit sassy, so if you’re going to FREAK OUT when I pop a cheeky comment on your photo saying, “It’s always gin o’clock for you, you goddamn maniac” and call me inappropriate, maybe you need to click ‘Unfriend’, babe. You can’t handle me.

If I share a colorful text post on my timeline inviting Jackie to dinner at my house, it is NOBODY else’s business, and you certainly should not be commenting accusing me of “bragging” about our friendship or trying to “stir up trouble”. That post was for Jackie and Jackie alone, and I don’t see how else I could have shared that invite with her. I’m a modern woman with an iPad, and you’re just JEALOUS.

I won’t lie to you, Friends: when I marked myself safe in a terror incident in Armenia at the weekend, I was hoping for a little sympathy – a few likes and the odd relieved comment, perhaps. Sure, I’ve never actually been to Armenia, but that is not the point?! I’m not the one making this terrorist attack that killed two hundred people about me; you are. How insensitive.

Laughing when I accidentally post my personal queries on here thinking it’s Google is not funny – I’m looking at you, John. There is nothing amusing about gastrointestinal distress, or the consequence it can have for soft furnishings. Grow UP.

And to this DAY, I cannot get my head around the horrible backlash I faced after little Charlotte’s darling rabbit passed away. I jumped in with a speedy ‘LOL’ to express my condolences, and now the whole family won’t reply to my messages? Maybe you didn’t deserve lots of love…

After my divorce, this mom is single and ready to mingle. If Karen can get all of those toy boys with her arms, I’ll have no problem – so, to my daughter Ella, why won’t you grow up and finally help me download Grindr? Don’t you love your mother, who gave everything for you? Do you HATE me? Do you want me to DIE?

All I’m trying to do here is share my juicy Mom wisdom and tell all thirty-one of you that sometimes, you need to show a little more compassion. Empathy goes a long way, and we all need to make sure that we’re using this platform with appropriate sensitivity. Facebook is nothing but gorgeous, and the way it allows us to connect with friends and family is a big freakin’ deal (pardon my language). So, to the people with whom I share this wonderful space, remember the following: Be nice. Share love. Look after one another. Show some sensitivity.

Many thanks,

Mom xo

P.S. It is with great sadness that I announce the death of my ex-husband Richard. LOL.