I’m the Inventor of the Atomic Beam Flashlight and My Infomercial Is Not a Joke

Making the world’s greatest, most durable flashlight was easy. The difficult part was deciding how to convince people of its strength and resilience. Firstly, it needed a name; not just any name because this isn’t just any flashlight. A proper name would do all of the heavy lifting and would be the first step in persuading people of my product’s awesomeness.

After several months of brainstorming, countless consumer focus groups, and dozens of interns who quit, the name came to me in a dream. I was having a nightmare that our great nation was under a nuclear attack. When I woke up screaming, “Get to the bunker!,” my pajamas soaked through with the sweat of fear (and a little urine), I knew we had our name: the Atomic Beam. Who wouldn’t want to buy a product that’s named after one of humankind’s most atrocious and destructive creations?

Step two was hiring someone to become the face of the brand. I knew we needed a spokesperson with integrity, someone who inspired trust. When we couldn’t find someone who fulfilled those requirements we settled on Hunter Ellis, former fighter pilot and Survivor contestant for – brace yourself – 3 episodes! 

The final, most important step was coming up with realistic, everyday endurance tests to showcase the Atomic Beam’s indestructibility. That’s why the infomercial features the Atomic Beam:

  • Being run over by a firetruck
  • Being deep fried
  • Encased in a block of ice and then freed via sledgehammer

I was bewildered and, frankly, insulted to discover that people found these tests humorous and hyperbolic. I can assure you, there is nothing funny or exaggerated about those scenarios. In fact, I chose them specifically because I thought they would be relatable.

How many flashlights have you lost due to the deathly wheels of a firetruck? Answer me that. What, none? You lie! Just the other night I was out for my evening stroll when I was startled by the blaring siren of an approaching firetruck and accidentally flung my flashlight onto the road. I didn’t have time to rescue it before all 36 tonnes of the firetruck thundered along and ran directly over it. If it had been any flashlight other than the Atomic Beam I would have been picking up its shattered remains. If your flashlight can’t withstand being run over by a firetruck, it doesn’t deserve to be called a flashlight.

Okay, so you claim that’s never happened to you, but who among us can honestly say that they haven’t inadvertently dropped their flashlight into a deep fryer? Surely you’ve experienced the late-night pangs of hunger during an electrical blackout and thought, “Now is the perfect time to fire up the deep fryer.” Frying by the illumination of your trusty flashlight you’re startled by a rustling in the bushes. Naturally, you jump and, clumsy you, drop the flashlight in the deep fryer. No, that’s never happened to you? Filthy lies! How can you expect a flashlight to provide adequate brightness if it can’t even withstand a simple deep frying?

Alright, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that neither of those things has ever happened to you, which, for the record, I think is total horseshit. I chose the final endurance test based on the inevitable arrival of the next ice age. No one can argue that we will once again be embraced by the wrath of mother nature’s icy bosom. My hope is that the people of the future will possess the technology to bring us back to life from our cold sleep. When we are reanimated, despite being surrounded by futuristic advancements, we are going to need working flashlights – hope for the best, plan for the worst. 

Hurry now and buy your Atomic Beam flashlight today to see firsthand that its invincibility is no laughing matter. Just don’t leave it on for longer than a couple of minutes because the battery runs out very quickly.