The Lesser Known Cides

Louicide: The killing of anyone named Louie, Louis, or Louise. Very common in New Jersey.

Fantacide: A murder carried out deliberately in a daydream for the daydreamer’s own sanity or pleasure. Every summer, thousands of fantacides are committed during family trips to Niagara Falls.

Jamocide: The perceived feeling of death or actual death experienced by drinking Jameson Irish Whiskey.

Jay Lenocide: The deliberate killing or forced relocation of Jay Leno’s late-night career. Typically self-inflicted.

Pinotcide: The act of intentionally killing an entire bottle of Pinot Noir or Pinot Grigio on one’s own. Frequently a crime of passion.

Aggravated Pinotcide: Like pinotcide, but much faster and late at night with more tears as Joni Mitchell plays in the background.

Scotty Smallsicide: The killing of Hamilton “Ham” Porter in the movie The Sandlot by one Scotty Smalls, who was never brought to trial despite overwhelming evidence he was indeed killing Ham multiple times throughout the film with his unbearable naivety. Smalls remains at large.

Slip N’ Slideicide: The deliberate killing of a someone’s rousing, carefree Saturday by turning off the water to their Slip N’ Slide. Victims tend to be friendless children or inebriated Florida State students.

Franchiseicide: The premeditated hiring of Adam Gase, Mitch Trubisky, or Jeff Fisher by any NFL franchise.

Obamacide: An act you assume your Grandfather considered carrying out at least once sometime between 2009-2016.

Drive-Thruicide: The taking of one’s own life after realizing that one has indeed willingly entered the lunch rush line at McDonald’s despite having a perfectly good walnut salad in the fridge.

Annoying Friendicide: The completely justified and long-overdue murder of that friend who continues to make a big deal out of their birthday at 31 years old and whose laugh sounds like GAHCK GAHCK GAHCK WOOOOO GAHCK GAHCK!

Fugeesicide: The soft killing of acclaimed Fugees frontwoman Lauryn Hill with his song.

American Democricide: A disgusting crime we are all currently witnessing, the victims of, and responsible for.

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