Now that fall is here, I have something I need to finally open up about: I can only cum when I see the leaves change. Now, I know that can strike some people as odd, but that’s just how I’ve always been. When I look at porn of a man and a woman hooking up in a non-seasonally decorated bed in a neutral living space I feel nothing. I legit have tried to cum so many times to no avail! The only thing that gets me off is staring for hours at foliage changing from green to bright orange with glimmers of yellow.
Ever since I was a teenager the leaves changing awoke something within me that made me feel alive and horny AF. I legit could only hookup with my high school boyfriend on fall leaf peeping tours and the rest of the year I would tell him I was “on my period” which surprisingly worked because guys don’t seem to understand how the menstrual cycle functions.
One thing people don’t understand is all the hardships that have been caused by me being so horny for fall. I stopped talking to my friends and family because sometimes they discuss other seasons which is upsetting AF. As I walk past a department store set up of “fall,” I can’t help but lose it and scream out in ecstasy in front of an 87 year-old woman who gives me the head nod because she gets it. Sometimes I’ll just stare at a poplar tree for hours and stroke the branches but then sometimes kids start to cry around me so I go home.
This secret has affected my dating life greatly. For example, I can only message guys on dating apps if they’re wearing cozy, wool sweaters with evocative leaf imagery or standing in front of beautifully fall-friendly trees with the right variety of autumnal leaves cascading behind them. Mmmm… Also I tend to lose interest in a guy after fall, but good thing I’m on Fall Tinder, an app I helped co-design that supports women who also are only horny in the fall. For most of the year I go into hibernation and spend all my time looking at my desktop background of the leaves changing while masturbating. Yes, I am currently unemployed.
I am currently on an erotic fall train ride through Vermont, Kingdom of Fall. Other people on this cruise also are horny for fall because they love looking at leaves through their binoculars and we usually hookup and throw autumnal produce at each other. A woman drinks a Pumpkin Spice Latte while I pretend to be a leaf and dance around her. I am growing a lot and becoming who I always wanted to be, a chick who is horny AF for fall.