Hi reader, it’s Alex from the 2009 romantic comedy He’s Just Not That Into You. Welcome to my weekly column where I expertly mansplain how dating works.
I know it can be almost impossible to tell if a man is into you in 2020. That’s why I’m bringing you fresh, updated dating rules to carry you through the pandemic.
If he steps within 6 feet of you…
If a man steps within six feet of you he’s just not that into you. Real men will carry around a six-pack of Crayola sidewalk chalk and draw a circle around you so they never even accidentally get within six feet.
He shouldn’t be so interested in spreading your legs that he’s willing to spread deadly pathogens. If he even thinks about extending his hand for a friendly handshake: Run.
If he stops visiting your Animal Crossing island…
I understand some closures make travel difficult in real life, but Dodo Airlines is wide open, girlfriend.
If he used to make frequent trips to your Animal Crossing Island but now your villagers are all whispering to each other that you got “ghosted harder than Wisp himself,” he’s just not that into you.
The truth is, he’s probably collecting turnips and catching rare bugs with someone else. Probably some girl who has already paid off her home loans and isn’t so liberal with the “delight reaction.” Seriously, take a Xanax or something.
If he says he’s “too busy”…
If a man says he is “too busy” in the year 2020, he’s just not that into you. In fact, he probably hates you. Listen he is not “too busy.” He is staring at a blank wall, disassociating from the world and longing for the end of all things like the rest of us.
If he always uses a weird Zoom Background…
If you’re on the fourth Zoom date with Zach and he’s still using the same weird beach background he’s just not that into you. This is especially true if he makes a lame joke about “being on a tropical island vacation.”
He’s obviously trying to cover something up. Ask yourself, what is Zach hiding behind those stagnant ocean waves? What secrets lie beneath the frozen palm trees?
Maybe he’s just using the beach to hide his really messy apartment. Or maybe he’s using it to cover up something more sinister like a sex cult or a very large Furby collection. Either way, it’s time to mute him on Zoom forever.
If he’s Doctor Anthony Fauci…
I know it can be easy to fall into the fantasy that Dr. Anthony Fauci is into you. He has such a soothing voice and seems to really care about your health and well being. He’s been the protagonist in every sex dream you’ve had since April.
But the truth is, if he’s Dr. Anthony Fauci, he’s just not that into you. And no, you are not the exception, you’re the rule.