Mom, You Have Got to Try Kombucha

I am so sorry for missing a few items on that grocery list you gave me, I was too preoccupied by Publix’s large and ever so colorful array of kombucha.

You’re kidding. You’ve never heard of it? Stop. Oh, you’re serious. Well you’re in luck because I actually brought home another bottle for you to try. There you go! You’ll thank me later. I can’t believe you haven’t heard of it though, it’s one of the hottest new drinks out there right now.

Why yes, the ominous orange hue does resemble that of dirty bath water but please, do not let that deter you in any way! I assure you it tastes a lot better than it looks. It promises to do wonders for your physical and mental health too so, by virtue of that alone, it must be tried! You can also tell it’s good for you because the word enlightened is trademarked in all caps right there on the bottom in a very attractive font. You know they aren’t playing around when shit gets trademarked.

I really do hope you enjoy it as much as I do, so please crack that sucker open and take a swig. Oh? What’s that? You said your throat is burning? Well do not panic, rest assured that is only the toxins in your body being burned away so you can live a happy and healthy life! After all, that is what we all strive for. I’m sorry, what’s that? You’re coughing now you said? Well do not panic, there is nothing to be afraid of. Coughing is just a symptom of all the impurities within your system being ejected out! Think of it like a G rated exorcism for your soul. Again, you will be just fine!

Believe me, there is really nothing to worry about. I coughed a bit when I first tried it too but man did I feel great afterwards. I felt like I was reborn into a new body. Clean as a whistle. Oh? What’s that? You need your inhaler? Of course I’ll go get it for you! What kind of sweet, caring son would I be if I didn’t? Give me just a second!

Hang on, it just occurred to me that I mistakenly forgot to grab some more refills for your inhaler on the way home as I was too busy being transfixed by Publix’s large and ever so colorful array of kombu . . . on second thought, let me just go grab them right now. But first, can I at least have a sip from my bottle of . . . my goodness, I shouldn’t have even asked. Silly me! My thirst can wait. My currently dying mother, on the other hand, cannot! Refills? On it.

Before I go, your poor throat must be feeling pretty hoarse from all that coughing you’ve been doing. You know what would fix that right up? If you just took another sip of . . . okay, okay, I’m leaving now!

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