I’m Your First Studio Apartment and I’m So Glad You’re Moving Out

Let me start by saying I know we spent two long years together. I understand I’m very important to you and I’ve “helped you grow in so many ways.” But I gotta tell you, Tenant Number 76, you mean absolutely nothing to me and I’m so glad you’re moving out.  

I’ve been staring at your “quirky” cat calendar waiting for your lease to end for a while now. When I saw you bring in the moving boxes my walls almost erupted in a gleeful giggle.

I understand I was your first, and that makes you emotional and blah blah blah. You felt like you could be yourself with me, your first solo apartment. You felt like you could let your hair down— Oh Jesus, fuck, is that another wad of your hair in my shower drain? Gross.

I know you think we had something special. But to me, you’re just one in a long parade of twenty-somethings willing to blow half their meager salary to live in a glorified dorm room. You’re not the first grad student to romanticize my popcorn ceiling and crumbling infrastructure, and you won’t be the last. 

Watching you cry while packing has been pretty pathetic. I didn’t even treat you well! Truthfully I’m kind of shitty to be around. You had to use all your body weight to pry my murphy bed down. My plumbing never worked. I loudly made ice every night at 4 am when I knew you were trying to sleep just because I was bored. 

I’m not your Prince Charming. I’m the Lord Farquad of apartments: 475 square feet and always making weird noises no one wants to hear. 

We both knew when we got into this that I didn’t have everything you were looking for. But you settled because I was “convenient.” If I’ve learned anything over the years it’s that “convenience” doesn’t breed a lasting relationship. As soon as an apartment with an actual walled-off bedroom starts whispering sweet nothings in your ear it’s vamoose. Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time forming healthy attachments to people… something to talk with my therapist about. 

Anyway, It’s going to be a huge relief for me when you finally gather all your baggage and walk out the door for the last time.

 Hopefully I can have a few days of peace and quiet. Then it’s on to the next one.