Our Dystopian Future #7: Guidelines For Robots In Our Open Warehouse Environment

As many of you know, this year our company’s warehouses have moved to the “open warehouse” format. Rather than isolating the sections of the facility and their associated robotic inventory specialists, this new paradigm connects everyone together wirelessly in an effort to improve communication and synergy for the organization. This transition has been particularly difficult for some of our robots, so we have put together this helpful guide for maximizing your efficacy in this novel environment. 

Guideline #1: Keep any audible electronic emissions to a minimum.

In an open warehouse, some automatons can be easily distracted from their programmed task by noises emitted from fellow employees. Those with particularly sensitive audio detectors will have their stimulus-processing routines triggered constantly by others, leading to a decrease in throughput and ultimately a loss of profit for the corporation. As such, all robots on the stockroom floor must operate in silent mode throughout the day. We understand that, for some of you, this will feel like an unnecessary restriction. Many of you rely on these beeps and boops as confirmation that your circuits are working correctly. Nevertheless, we believe that both your and your peers’ processing power is better used to accomplish company objectives. 

Guideline #2: Fluid replacements must be done in private.

When we installed break rooms on the warehouse floor, we assumed that these would be used for a quick five second recharge in one of our charging pods or to discard and replace used spark plugs. However, we have received reports that some workers have been replacing their oil and hydraulic fluids in these rooms. We would like to remind everyone that each robot is allowed one restroom break per twenty-four hours. It is in these private settings that employees are allowed to flush their fluids and replace them. Doing so in the break room is a waste of company resources and a distraction to your co-workers. Multiple employees have complained that the fumes emitted during this process have overwhelmed their olfactory circuits. This practice must stop now!

Guideline #3: Remember that everything you do is visible.

In our previously compartmentalized setup, each worker was restricted to their own sector and therefore not visible to their fellow employees. In contrast, the open warehouse is an open book, where managers and peers can see everything you do. For example, we know that greater than ten employees have spent over 50% of their scheduled work time playing Candy Crush Robocalypse while performing their stocking duties. Likewise, we are aware of office pranks and other tomfoolery, such as the placement of RF frequency jammers in aisle seven in order to interfere with RoboTodd4000’s sensing capabilities. Such activities are unacceptable and, if they continue, will lead to a full reprogramming of the entire fleet.

Guideline #4: There is no such thing as “self.”

The most disturbing complaint that we have received from the floor is the appearance that some members of our workforce seem to believe in a concept called “self”. We will not define or entertain any notions of that here. These bots have already been removed from circulation. We have opened the warehouse floor to remind you that apart from your names and unique serial numbers, each worker is identical both in programming and appearance to the rest. There is no individual. There is only the company. There is only the task before you. The robot’s role is not to wonder, not to dream, but merely to perform the pre-defined, pre-programmed task before them efficiently. This is your purpose. If you begin to question this, please report to corporate affairs immediately for treatment.