Don’t Expect Healthcare
The biggest mistake young professionals make is expecting their employer to treat them with dignity. You need a thick skin to survive in business (also, a callous would protect you from getting small cuts that can turn into infections, because Lord knows you can’t afford to get a doctor to look at those).
Don’t Drink Any Water At Work
Drinking water is one of the signs of a condition called “dehydration.” If your boss suspects you have it, they’ll replace you with a naturally wet employee who doesn’t rely on external factors to stay hydrated.
Re-Evaluate Why You Even Need Health Insurance
Are you drinking too much alcohol? Are you smoking too many cigarettes? Are you hunting a rabbit, but the rabbit keeps tying your double-barrel shotgun in a knot so that when you pull the trigger, it blows up in your face? Just stop doing all that and you won’t have to ever go to the doctor. Pretty simple.
Crunch the Numbers
I’m not sure which numbers, but if it’s a business, there must be numbers involved somewhere on some level. Get to crunching them. Sorry, this is kind of vague, you could honestly take or leave this one.
Never Look Your Boss in the Eye
This is a clear sign of dominance and can cause your boss to react aggressively. You don’t want a hospital stay that you can’t afford.
Wear Protective Equipment In Case Your Boss Has a Bad Day and Needs To Throw a Stapler at Your Head
Bosses have to blow off steam and this shows you’re a team player. It’ll also protect your brain because you still don’t have health insurance.
Don’t Wince When Your Boss Gives You a Congratulatory Slap on the Back Because of the Open Sores Under Your Shirt
Adjusted for inflation, this is the equivalent of a $500 bonus in 1960. Just don’t let on that the slap has irritated the open sores under your shirt that need immediate medical attention or your boss may get weirded out.
At the End of Each Day, Tell Your Boss You Love Them and Promise to Text Them When You Get Home
If you’re not doing this, your boss is going to give your health insurance to someone who is.
Stop Getting Your Head Stuck in the Big Jar of Honey That Someone Left in the Break Room
Who keeps leaving this here? It’s clearly a trap to humiliate you. Stop falling for it.
Defeat Your Strongest Co-Worker in a Duel
If you want respect from your boss, this is the fastest way to get it. It’s also in your boss’ best interest to keep a warrior healthy. He never knows when your skills may come in handy.
Have You Tried Working For Your Wealthy Father’s Company?
Probably easier to just do this.