“‘Many should be arrested because these are professional agitators, these are professional anarchists, these are people who hate our country,’ Trump said.” —The Oregonian, July 30th, 2020
As demand for Professional Anarchists has reached an all-time high in the Pacific Northwest, Portland State University is excited to unveil a new Master’s program to create qualified candidates prepared to enter this dynamic field. Our Master of Science in Professional Anarchy Studies is currently accepting applications for our first loosely organized cohort. To apply, applicants must have a Bachelor’s degree from an accredited left-wing university with a minimum 3.0 GPA. We also require two letters of recommendation from prior instructors or supervisors attesting to the applicant’s level of hate for America and the ability to be successful in a rigorous course of study that includes property destruction and management theory.
We understand most aspiring Professional Anarchists are busy moms and dads. That’s why the MSPAS is offered part-time either online or in a hybrid format meeting in a dark alley on alternating weekends.
Our MSPAS program is designed to prepare graduates to immediately step into a high level Professional Anarchy management position upon degree completion. All students take the same five core courses.
Anarchy in a Global Context: In an increasingly globalized society, the modern Anarchist is no longer just destroying his or her own state government, but must maintain an awareness of and sensitivity to the dismantling of governments all over the world. In this course, students learn how to fight the machine in different cultures and through the use of remote technologies. Guest lecturers include some of the world’s most renowned (i.e. most retweeted) Anarchy Professionals.
Managing Diversity in Anarchist Organizations: Today’s Anarchist organizations will recruit anyone, from teenage girls to septuagenarian men, so Professional Anarchists need the human capital management skills to engage with employees from any background. This course explores best practices to make sure that diverse perspectives are honored and incorporated into any plan to unravel society.
Data Driven Destruction Decisions: Harnessing the power of Big Data, this course uses statistical packages to analyze which property destruction choices will bring effective results. Students will learn predictive modeling to see which actions are statistically likely to most enrage federal leadership and provoke widespread condemnation from the GOP (in other words, metrics of measuring success).
Strategic Agitation and Change Management: Technology and culture can change in the blink of an eye, and your Anarchist organization needs to change with it. Using a combination of case studies and punk rock music, this class teaches strategies to ensure your agitation practices and violent rhetoric remain relevant in an evolving social climate.
Building an Efficient Terrorist Beehive: Wasteful practices can slow down any industry and Anarchy is no exception. This course teaches fundamentals of AGILE and Lean Six Sigma process improvement methodology to ensure your Terrorist Beehive is running at its best. Students engage in a cutting edge computer simulation where they lead a virtual hive of anarchists who are trying to blow up their city’s courthouse, but who are stymied by inefficiency.
Because the MSPAS is an interdisciplinary Master’s program, students may select from a broad range of electives that include offerings from partnerships with other departments in the university. PSU encourages students to customize their degree to align with their professional anarchistic goals. Current elective classes include:
-Fundamental Architectural Principles of Bunker Construction
-Radical-Left Communication Practices
-Personal Branding for the Modern Anarchist
-Strategic Conflict Escalation
-Historical Looting Techniques
-Anarchy Expression Through Clay Pottery
-Sustainable Property Destruction
MSPAS students will select either a capstone or practicum track for their final course. In the capstone project, the student works under the supervision of a faculty member to write his or her own 50 page manifesto, which at the conclusion of the term, will be ready for distribution to a local violent mob. In the practicum track, students work with a practicing Professional Anarchist to create a strategic action plan to sow the seeds of civil discord in a local neighborhood, which is then carried out in a mock riot and culminates in the student’s incarceration.
As one of Oregon’s best public liberal arts universities, and with so many ties to the booming local Anarchist industry, PSU’s MSPAS students can expect to find gainful employment as a Professional Anarchist, or at least be cited for unlawful assembly, within months of graduation. Our career center is also always available to assist students with resume review, practice interviews, or creative protest sign creation.
Due to the nature of the program, federal student loan funding is not available at this time. PSU recommends tuition be paid via the selling of looted items, through the spoils of an elaborate bank heist, or not paying tuition and just yelling at the bursar that charging tuition is fascist. PSU is also proud to offer the Mitt Romney Change of Heart Scholarship to any former Republicans who have decided to pivot to dismantling the system they helped create.
There is no better place to earn your Master’s of Science in Professional Anarchy Studies than Portland State University, and there is no better time than right now, when demand is at an all time high. Apply online today, or just throw a brick through our admissions office window.