A Citation-Heavy Reply That Lets Dad Know You Read His Last 30 Emails

Hey Dad, sorry I’ve been slacking on emails. Spring Semester’s been nuts! Between finals, my internship and your semi-daily links, my life’s been more stacked than a Triple Beef n’ Egg! 1

Happy to hear things in Miami are going well. The new landscaping looks great 2, and with the mango tree in full bloom, I’d say you’re definitely “Rockin’ the Suburbs” 3. I remember being psyched when we got even one mango, but these days it’s like Mila Kunis being ranked “Hottest Jewish Actress” 4, we’ve come to expect it!

To answer your question 5, things are great! The new apartment’s really coming along, and thanks to your B-Day check, we can get what’s left from Ikea; maybe even a rug to tie the room together? 6 Then again, maybe I should use the check to buy stock in Spirit Airlines at 10 bucks a share 7, although I’d hate to get ‘Pan Am-ed’! 8

The best thing about my new place has to be the backyard. It’s got a huge charcoal grill, and I’ve been trying to level-up my BBQ game ever since I was labeled a “Lean Meat Man-Child” 9. Last week I made pork chops 10, Tuesday was skirt steak 11, and this weekend I’m making a maple-glazed beef tenderloin 12. The kitchen’s not exactly well-stocked, but I’m making do 13.

My housemate Chad keeps nagging me about how high meat intake can lead to heart disease, even death. Not exactly appropriate dinner conversation… And who’s HE to talk about death? He doesn’t know what we’ve been through! 14 He can be a real buzzkill, but I’m trying not to judge too quickly. After all, “it takes a moment to judge someone, but a lifetime to understand them” 15.

As far as picking a major, I’m still undecided. Originally I was thinking finance, but does the world really need another rich white guy? 16 And honestly, the money-grubbing element just doesn’t sit right with me. “Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort” 17.

It’s hard because I know you expect big things from me, but sometimes those expectations pile onto the expectations I’ve already set for myself. Stress can be a good motivator, but eventually “the pressure builds and we feel compelled, even obligated to break free” 18.  

Ok, honesty dump over HAHA! Things really aren’t that bad here. I guess I’m just homesick. How about we have a Skype chat this weekend. Say Sunday at 7?

Cheers, 19


1.  “Arby’s Breakfast is Ready for the Spotlight”, Business Insider, 2020

2.  “Shutterfly Album 31: The Hood”, Pic #239, 2020

3. “Top 50 Tracks That Shit on the Band Korn”, Pitchfork, 2019

4. “A Definitive Ranking of Jewish Actresses (2019 edition)”, Buzzfeed, 2019

5. “How’s It Hangin’?”, Email, 2020

6. “The Dude’s Decorator: Meet the Set Designer Behind These Coen Brothers Classic”, Esquire, 2017

7. “Taking Stock”, P.1, The Wall Street Journal, 2020

8. “Taking Stock”, P.13 (so you know I read the whole article), The Wall Street Journal, 2020

9. “Survey: What Your Dry Rub Says About You”, Pit Boys, 2019

10. “Hunks of the Week”, Pit Boys, 2020

11. “Steak Week 2020”, Pit Boys, 2020

12. “Happy Holi-glaze: Holy Hunks of the Week”, Pit Boys 2019

13. “All Thermometers Are Meat Thermometers (If You Put Them In Meat)”, Pit Boys Op-Ed, 2019.

14. “In the Sopranos Finale, we ALL Died”, IndieWire, 2015

15. “The Dramatic Genius of David Spade”, The Ringer, 2020

16.  “Trump vs. Biden vs. Ford vs. Ferrari”, The Atlantic, 2020

17. “An Extensive Oral History of BASEketball”, The Ringer, 2020

18. “FLASH: What Lenny Kravitz Really Exposed was The Truth”, NPR, 2017

19.  “You ever watch Cheers?”, Email, 2020