On Your Birthday, Here’s a Photo of Me as a Beautiful Bride

Dear Mom,

When I was thinking about what to get you for this all-important birthday, the first one after my wedding, I briefly considered that cutlery set you had been hinting heavily that you wanted. Then I thought of something even better that, incidentally, cost me nothing: a photo of me as a blushing bride. Now, I know you and Dad already bought an entire photo album’s worth of professional photos of my wedding (which I posted on Facebook), but I think you missed this one.

I know your mouth is half-open and you’re not sucking in, but just look at me. Can you see how I’m laughing gayly and I’m slightly turned away from the camera, showing only my good side, like I didn’t know the picture was being taken? (I knew.) Since children are a reflection of their parents, it’s almost like you look good in this picture. (Except you don’t. I do.)

I know you will love this because you love me and my beauty, and if Sam gets you the cutlery set, just think about how personal this gift is, whereas knives mean he probably wants to kill you. Also, you can’t throw money at love. You can throw money at getting rid of the watermark, but I didn’t think that would be very authentic. But if you want to do that so you can use this as your profile picture, even though you only have, like, 36 friends on Facebook, it’s not like I’m going to stop you or anything. You’re friends with Sofie’s mom, right? I mean, if Mrs. Jones happened to see it and mentioned to Sofie that I got married, that would be fine or whatever.

Happy birthday to my forever Mother of the Bride!

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