1. Look around for a fresh turkey. If options are limited, settle for an older one with a lot of baggage.
2. Make sure it can be bought and paid for. Most of them can.
3. Give it a platform and a base of support. These can be bought too, if necessary.
4. Position the turkey in the center, slightly to the left.
5. Dress it up so it appears less fowl.
6. Stuff it with canned goods from 4 years ago.
7. If the kids complain about getting the same thing again, remind them of the alternative.
8. Subject turkey to moderate heat and pressure for no more than 15 minutes; then make things as light as possible.
9. Use an internal pole to measure its progress; keep the results to yourself.
10. Adjust the turkey’s position, shifting it further to the right.
11. Tell the kids to shut up.
12. Remove turkey from heat entirely.
13. Test for softness and pliability.
14. Store in a safe place, away from crowds, until time to serve.