D.C.- Today the CDC issued a new report confirming their suspicions that Americans are, in fact, fucking idiots. This news came as a shock to many, but the CDC clarified that the warning signs were there all along and that the latest study simply helped to reveal the conclusive evidence they’d been expecting to find. This morning, while speaking in D.C. the head of the CDC, Dr. Robert Redfield stated “I mean, it’s pretty fucking obvious right?” adding, “I’m just glad we can finally conclusively say once and for all that you motherfuckers are dumb and are gonna get us all killed.”
This news has shot throughout America and the world, causing an uproar among some of America’s biggest idiots. Addressing the new report, noted fucking idiot President Donald Trump stated, “The CDC is full of liars, and if they think Americans, the greatest, most tremendous nation on earth, is full of idiots, while then I think they’re the ones with the brains with dumbness.” These harsh words set off a wave of condemnations from other prominent American idiots, as idiots reached across the aisle to question the CDC’s clear, scientific analysis proving that America as a nation is just a bunch of fucking idiots.
Some people were upset at the report’s findings, as they believe the numbers were skewed, given the way many Americans have been unable to follow simple instructions like stay at home, wear a mask, and provide some level of financial and medical support to your constituents. The CDC, however, argued that these facts did not skew the results, they simply provided the final evidence they needed to come forward and finally make their statement that America is full of fucking idiots, whose idiocy is fucking us all.
Many prominent Democrats came forward to complain today that they feel the CDC’s findings were false and that the study must have focused too heavily on Republicans and shock jock radio hosts. Redfield, however, condemned these allegations, stating, “If Republicans are the only ones who are idiots then why would Democrats in Congress and the leaders of Democrat-controlled states only give their constitutes $1200 during a worldwide pandemic and then screw off for 3 months?” Angrily adding, “I don’t know, but that sounds like something a fucking idiot would do to me.”
After this contentious debate erupted, several other scientists, epidemiologists, and thought leaders came forward to weigh in and offer support to the CDC, the overwhelming consensus among these communities being that it has been clear for years that America has its fair share of fucking idiots. Adding that it was safe to say we all knew these idiots and morons could be found anywhere, from EDM DJs, to Joe Rogan fans, to people named Dalton, but that it wasn’t until recent events exposed just how prevalent idiots are in every facet of American life and governance that the CDC and the scientific community could come to a consensus and confidently state that America is just chock-full of fucking idiots.