Twelve years ago you decided to pick up a new hobby: Twitter. The first 7 years no one acknowledged your tweets even though you tweeted everyday so you finally realized all your opinions like “They days are all starting to blend?” and “Blue may be a warm color but fuchsia is the hottest color amirite?” were irrelevant. Then you became an account that retweeted other people’s tweets and finally gained some traction (read: you made it to 1000 followers). You kept this up mildly successfully for the next 4 years, so you figured you could try retweeting your old failed tweets. Not only did people not like them, they also stopped liking and retweeting your retweets. You’re now down to 45 followers (read: mostly spambots, and your cousin). Face it: your dreams of becoming a twitter sensation are dead. It’s time to find a new hobby. Here are 4 that are just as time consuming but don’t require likability or wit or bad political takes or virtual signaling or being attractive or going viral.
For 12 years, you told your friends that you were an avid reader because you counted scrolling Twitter as reading. It is very true you learned a lot there: that we had a 1957 flu pandemic that killed up to 100, 000 Americans, that Trump’s father’s middle name is Christ, and that Margot Robbie and Maeve from Sex Education are 2 different people. But, if you had actually read a book, the more expansive and interesting and relevant your opinions could have been. Which would have helped you on Twitter.
2) Watching the Works of Martin Scorsese.
Ever since The Irishman was released you tweeted how you hate that Scorsese continues to be praised for making over indulgent and gratuitously long films which honestly is shocking that it only got 1 like because everyone was talking about it. Nevertheless, while it is true Martin Scorsese’s 25 films and 14 documentaries are all probably 3 to 18 hours long you’ve never seen The Irishman. In fact, the only Martin Scorsese films you’ve seen are the ones that star Leonardo DiCaprio. Sure, that’s 6 films, but if the 4 Medium articles you wrote were about those instead of what’s wrong with The Irishman they would have come from a more informed place. Tweeting from a more informed, or at least a confidently wrong place, would have helped you on Twitter.
3) Understanding the Motor Vehicle.
You don’t know anything about cars: how to put gas, how to drive, how many Fast and the Furious movies there are. There are 14. You want to move to LA right? Because you don’t like seasons, hurricanes, or your family? Well, learn everything there is to know about cars. Better yet, become a mechanic. What if you were a mechanic 12 years ago? You could have been a cars Twitter. Having a niche account would have helped you on Twitter.
4) Fake Your Own Death.
This sounds extreme, but faking your own death takes up as much time as being on twitter. You have to find a new place to live, keep tabs on the people you left behind, never be seen again. But, the best part is people would be more interested in you. Do you think Sylvia Plath and Van Gogh were successful when they were alive? Not at all. They had to die first. Make sure your fake death is tragic yet poetic. People love tragic yet poetic deaths. In fact, make your final tweet a Sylvia Plath’s quote like “All I want is blackness, blackness and silence.” All your words, post mortem, will be considered majestic and people will finally take notice of your tweets. People taking notice of your tweets would have helped you on Twitter.
So I, I mean, you, will never be a Twitter sensation. But maybe a more well read, more informed or confidently wrong, motor vehicle aficionado, dead version of you will be. You could also just go to medical school like your parents wanted you to. That also takes about 12 years.