I’ve Never Had Sex But I Think I’d Be Really Good At It!

Ok, fine. I know you guys are absolutely dying to know, and the answer is yes. Yes, I am a virgin. But, so what? Who cares if I haven’t had actual sex! I also haven’t vomited since 2007– but no one wants to talk about that. And I know because I tried talking to my local deli-guy about it and he started barking at me mid-sentence. Like, actually barking. 

I didn’t think I needed to “try” and lose my v-card because I always thought someone would just point at me and say, “God you’re so hot…should we do it?” And I’d say, “Yes, I am hot. And yes, you can touch me. And yes…you’re welcome.” And then we’d sneak off to the back of their 1970 Chevy Camaro and reenact the sex scene from Titanic. I don’t mean the part where they have sex and someone’s hand slaps a foggy window. I mean the part where Jack sits up front and says, “Where to Miss?” in an old-timey voice. That’s the epitome of sexy! 

I know I’d be really good at sex (hehe) because I’ve seen all the movies. By that, I mean I’ve seen every single movie where two people have sex. And by THAT, I mean I’ve seen Twilight: Breaking Dawn at least fifty times. I created a spreadsheet and catalogued all the positions. The main three positions include the “lying on top of each other and pretending to swim without moving your arms”, the “Australian Hello”, and the “howl”. I call it the “howl” because when the “sex” is close to being done they sound like long-lost wolf lovers reuniting in the moonlight. 

Based on my results, the positions seem basic enough. One hand here, one headboard there, Jason Derulo Wiggle Wiggle, and BAM! There also seems to be a lot of heavy breathing involved, which is great because I’ve been practicing holding my breath underwater once a week so I know my lungs can take big gulps of air. Truly, how hard could it be? 

You know what’s harder (hehe) than sex? Trying to listen to Joni Mitchell’s Blue album and not needing to take a nap afterwards because your bosom’s sore from all the heaving sobs. That’s hard! That’s rock-hard! That’s some other sexual innuendo I can’t think of right now because I’m too busy giggling. Finding someone to finally have sex with feels a lot like applying for a job. The listing says “experience preferred” but in order to get the experience for the job you need…the job. 

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